BLOG MOVE

My blog has been moved. Yes, I have caved and moved to Wordpress. Why? A few reasons. But basically it has a few more capabilities that I would like. I feel like my blog is slowly attracting more readers, and I'd like more flexibility with what I do with it. I'm going to miss Blogger. :-( It's a good little service. But I just feel like this was a necessary move for this blog. So I won't be posting here anymore. :-( It will be kept open, though.

If you would like to continue reading, please do so at:

http://seumnida.annyeong.net/

Also: to other bloggers who have me linked, I know it's a hassle, but could you please link to my new address? It would be greatly appreciated.^^

Hope to see you all over at the new place!

윤선

Life. Community Service Announcement. Another One. XP

I am currently at a somewhat large crossroads in my life right now. It's like there's a battle between my "professional" life (or severe lack thereof) and the personal life (which includes all the Korean stuff and everything that gets written in this blog). I'm not entirely sure what my future holds (which frustrates me no end. I hate not having any control over my own life), and I'm also not too sure how much this blog will be updated in the near future. It'll probably be pretty irregular. I haven't even been studying Korean as often as I'd like to be, which is extremely frustrating, especially since I'm already starting to forget stuff.

I'm currently in the search for a career into the publishing world or the tech writing world. I'd love either. I've been doing a lot of thinking recently, and books/reading/writing are things I LOVE and things I couldn't live without. So much so that I'd actually die right now for a career in that sort of area (if it's not going to be teaching). So I've been applying for jobs, writing resumes and cover letters and doing research into these areas like crazy. Although it's had me quite excited, I'm also very anxious and nervous about what exactly my future holds - whether I even have a chance at a career in such an area and whether or not I even hold suitable qualifications. Surprisingly, though, this has been taking up a lot of my time, and it's been a bit... strange trying to find a balance between sorting out this part of me and the more personal stuff.

I've also been sick. I've had basically all the weird bugs that are flying around these days. Part of me is just waiting to get swine flu. XP

I also hope that North Korea doesn't accidentally blow up the South before I at least get to go there and see where I was born!

Also: I'm considering moving this blog over to Wordpress. Not 100% sure on that yet, but it's just something else I'm considering.

A few things while I'm alone on a Saturday night. XP

I have almost finished the second beginner series at Korean Class 101. Thank God. I love Korean Class 101, but this series hasn't been all that great... :-( I think they can do better. But anyway, I'm currently in the process of writing as much as I possibly can about myself, using much of what I've learnt so far. I'm quite impressed in some ways, but in others I'm not. Although I feel OK at reading and writing in Korean, my speaking and listening leave much to be desired. >_< style="font-weight: bold;">So this post just may be emotion-fuelled, but I don't know... just a warning, though...

Sometimes, though, I find myself getting very easily offended and/or pissed off. And when that happens, it often causes my mind to wander and think about similar scenarios that have happened to/around me...

A couple of months ago, I changed my Facebook name to my Korean name. Just to see what it felt/looked like. (It was different, actually. Never realised how much a name means...!) I have since changed it back to my "normal" name (else people I've added wouldn't have had any clue as to who I am! LOL).

But it's funny - sometimes it's the people we know who tend to offend us more than any stranger. Well, for me, that seems to be the case at times...

Despite having changed my name back to my western name, my aunt-in-law who's on Facebook still calls me "Yoon Seon". I have no issues with this. I did change my name for a while. However, maybe it's just me, but whenever she comes online, she sends me random Korean things, and I feel like when she calls me "Yoon Seon", it's a bit... like a mockery. But whether it be a song or... whatever, if it's in Korean, I'll likely see it. It just reminds me of when I've had discussions with random people that go like this:

Person: where do you come from?
Me: You mean "where was I born?" Otherwise I come from Sydney *trying very hard not to roll eyes*
Person: Yes. Where were you born? Were you born in Australia? What nationality are you really?
Me: Well I am Australian. *Forced smile* But I was BORN in S.Korea. (There is a difference, idiot.)
Person: Oh, really? I know someone who came from there too! Their name was... hmm... can't remember. But they were SO good looking, and they lived in... (insert-random-suburb-here). Do you know them? Have you heard of them?

...I'm sorry, but...

AARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HATE that conversation. I have had it SO many times, and every time, I get so close to grabbing the person's shoulders and just shaking them! I'm sorry, but believe it or not, just because I'm of Korean heritage does NOT mean I know EVERY Korean person in the world! And in regards to my husband's aunt: just because I'm of Korean heritage does not mean I'm interested in every little Korean thing you might come across!! Yes, it might come as a shock to you, but it's the truth! 9_9

I don't expect my husband's family to understand my POV. But it does grate on one's nerves after a time...

Honestly, where does the thing come from - where caucasian people pull their eyes back in a stupid attempt to look Asian? Seriously. WTF is that?? I used have so many kids come up and do that to me as a child. I'd just be walking through the school corridors, or be playing on the playground, and kids I didn't even know would do that in passing. I remember going home SO many times and just staring at my eyes in the mirror for AGES, thinking 'my eyes don't look like that, so why do they do that? My eyes are the same size as their's. So why do they do that when they see me?'. I've never understood that. As an adult, in my opinion, it just makes them look stupid.

...but it can still be offensive. And it's these things that stick in our minds so easily. A few years ago, my husband's mother did that in my presence, and I was so taken aback that I could only sit there, dumbfounded. She didn't do it directly to me (I think she was talking about Asian tourists in Sydney or something), but just the fact that she did it at all, I just found... strange. It was quickly followed by a pronouncement of how she doesn't consider me "Asian". Am I supposed to be grateful for that "consideration"? As if being Asian is a bad thing? As if I'm "lucky" that I've been accepted into my husband's caucasian clan, despite my racial background??

It's really funny, the assumptions that people of "white privilege" make on those of us who are anything but. Although it's a great thing to sometimes joke about, I'm also a bit over my husband's sister (HAHA... I'm starting to see a theme going on here) saying how "beautiful" my and Robert's children will be, because I'm Korean and half Korean/caucasian children are "meant to be" good looking. Seriously. OK, it's nice to go "yay! I'll have pretty children", but, really... when you've said it... 5, 6, 7 times... isn't just getting a bit... superficial?

You'd think that those of whom we're "meant" to be close to would know a bit better, but clearly not. Clearly, when you're anything but caucasian, you're stuck with the stigma of being different. This is obviously how I'm going to be identified by my husband's family - tolerated, but still separate from them. My personality, likes and dislikes, abilities and disabilities don't even come into the equation for many of them.

It's funny, because (thankfully) Robert is the complete opposite of his family. I don't know why. It's probably because he has many Asian friends and has had a great interest in some parts of Asia. I've always been simply friends with him, because he's only ever treated me as HUMAN. My background has never been an issue for him, personally. He's just always treated me as Alexis, and that's it. Sure, he cares about all the complications I'm going through with my identity and stuff, but I feel like, before we got married or romantically involved AT ALL, we were easily friends because anything about my racial background simply... never mattered to him. He NEVER said anything like "I don't really consider you Asian", or "hey, look at this Korean thing!" or "wow, do you go well at school/uni?" or any of that. To me, I'm just Alexis, and as an adoptee, that has to be one of the most valuable and attractive traits about him. Aside from being really intelligent, nice, and easy to talk to, I don't think I could have married someone without this very rare trait... <3

Speaking of which, he'll probably be home soon, so I should wrap this up. If you're reading this and you know someone who's anything but caucasian (or just different to most people around you), just think about this... I think people need to consider things like this more - to see past people's outside appearances, because believe it or not, there is much more to us non-caucasians than what you can only see.

Some Thoughts about my Life...

These past few days have seen me doing some serious thinking about my life, what I want from it and where I'm going. Right now, I wouldn't say I'm completely happy. Although I recently graduated with a pretty good degree, work has been scarce. And working as a casual teacher is really getting me down. The worst thing (for me) about working casual is that I don't control what happens with my career. I could be waiting years before I get my own class. It's all just chance and luck. And I hate that. I feel like I'm just floundering around, waiting for stuff to happen and being unable to control any of it. I'm really not enjoying working casual, either - being called up at 7:30am just to go babysit someone else's class for a day. I HATE doing things with little notice and I hate not knowing what's going on. It sends my anxiety through the roof. This just isn't how I want to be living my life, nor do I want this unpredictability and lack of control over my career.

I am seriously, SERIOUSLY considering going to teach English in Korea next year. I don't know for how long, I don't know where to start with something so huge, nor do I have any idea of how to go about such a massive life change. But for some reason, I feel so drawn to this idea. It's something I can't shake off. The idea's been in my head for some time now. But there are just so many reasons going against it, that it's been all too easy to push out of my mind. But when I really think about it... living in Korea for a while is something that I feel like I need to do. I don't really know why. It's not simply because I'm interested in the place. It's something more... deep in me. And if I don't do it, I feel like I'd really regret it later down the track. Like, it would be a MAJOR regret. And I don't like regret.

One of the main things going against this idea is Robert and me. When I think about living in Korea, it's really hard for me to separate my life/existence and my life with Robert. I feel like living in Korea for a while would be a purely selfish thing to do. Robert's whole life is here. His career, his friends, family... just... everything. Our whole life is here. But what about me? Maybe it's selfish of me, but am I supposed to sacrifice my own personal happiness and ambitions because I got married? I know it's not something Robert really wants to do. So should I simply go without him? Survive in Korea on my own?

I'm confused about life right now. I don't really know which way it's going. I am constantly seeing people my age having babies, buying houses, settling down. While here I am, floundering around like a fish out of water. It's frustrating and emotionally exhausting. I ultimately want a career and I want a life that I can look back on and think I did all I could do be happy with my achievements.

I can't really say what sort of impact living in Korea would have on me. I know that once I get there, I'll be scared, sad, emotional, happy and anxious all at the same time. I could spare myself this experience, but that would mean continuing to live as "half a person", something that I'm not really enjoying right now, either.

I don't know. I'm very confused. Robert and I need to have a good talk, I think. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Especially from other adoptees...

A Language Update!^^

Originally this blog was created to document my learning Korean. It has rapidly turned into my adoption-rants. XD So I'm going to try and write a bit more about learning Korean and such, as well as my opinions and thoughts on adoption and stuff.

Anywho, the wonderful people who made Korean Class 101 have very recently opened their doors to a Chinese Class 101. I think that if I was so inclined, I wouldn't mind learning a Chinese language, particularly Mandarin. I seem to have a bit of a fascination with languages, and I think Chinese would be a pretty cool one to learn. I love their writing system, and being one of the world's most widely spoken languages, well... it would be kinda good to know. It would also be fascinating - to learn the language and the characters that Korean still uses sometimes. Robert and I also have quite a few friends who come from Chinese backgrounds. We often do things with them (EG: have yum cha) where I sometimes think it would be cool if I could understand what people are saying. But I honestly don't think I'm particularly capable of learning multiple languages, and I do want to put all my efforts into Korean. But I still think it would be amazing to know many languages.

You know, though, what the problem is with learning another language? Is finding enough use for it. Although the internet has obviously opened up lots of opportunities for me, I still find it very challenging simply to use all the Korean I've been learning. Writing stuff on paper and on the computer is still very different to actually having a conversation with someone. And although I seem to get quite a lot of practice with writing stuff in Korean, I still feel as though I'd struggle and freak out a bit if it came to having to actually converse with someone in Korean!

Anywho, here's some Korean practice. I'm getting my head around 기 때문에 (because) at the moment, and when to use the 기 (ki). I'm still kinda confused. But oh well. =P

오늘은 화요일이에요. 주말에 저는 심심했어요. 아빴어기 때문에 안 갔어요. 로버트도 아빴어요. 싫어요. 우리는 어제 닥터에 갔어요. Stomach flu가 있어요. 로버트는 어제 일에 안 갔어요. 아쁘기 때문에 오늘도 일에 안가요. 아마 내일 일에 안 가려고 해요. 저는 아쁘기 때문에 심심해요. 하지만 아쁘면서 한국어를 공부해서 책을 읽어요. 근데 저는 홋 초콜릿을 마시고 싶어요! 언제 저는 안 아빠요 많이 먹으려고 해요! 저는 많이 파스터과 초콜릿와 아이스크림을 먹을 것 같아요! 그리고 커피를 마실 것 같아요! 우리는 아쁘기 때문에 그냥 많이 텔레비젼을 봐서 자요. 우리는 많이 먹을 수 없어 때문에 저는 배고파요... ㅠㅠㅠ

Today is Tuesday. I was bored on the weekend. I was sick so I didn't go out. Robert was also sick. It's not good. Yesterday we went to the doctor. We have stomach flu. Yesterday Robert didn't go to work. Because he's sick he didn't go today either. He probably won't go tomorrow. Being sick makes me bored. But while I'm sick, I'm learning Korean and reading books. But I want to drink a hot chocolate! When I'm not sick I plan to eat lots! I think I'll eat lots of pasta, chocolate, ice cream and coffee! While being sick, we've just been watching TV and sleeping. Because we can't eat a lot, I'm hungry...

Seriously... I've been sick so many times this year. It's ridiculous!

Anywho, I'm kinda sleepy. I might go sleep. Or listen to some more lessons...