Ahh Family Photos...

So last week, as it's now school holidays, I had this wonderful vision of me spending much of my time learning Korean, making videos, writing lots of good stuff. Instead, I am still plagued with the flu and my brain and voice just aren't working the way they normally do. Unfortunately, the little amount of Korean I've learnt feels like it's slipping through my head like sand through one's fingers. So in the meantime, I can only continue to update this blog with big ramblings, instead of any Korean progress. :-(

Anywho, I hope that anyone who may be reading this had a wonderful Easter Sunday. I did (despite my bad health), and Robert and I scored much in the way of the chocolate kind. The first half of the day was spent with my Dad's parents. Part of the afternoon was spent looking at old family photos. I also just read something over at Ethnically Incorrect, and a few things came to mind that I thought fitted this blog.

Unfortunately, as much as we may love and be loved by our adoptive families, it's often still difficult, as an adoptee, to take part in and look at family photos. Especially from when we were little. On Easter Sunday, it was cute seeing my Dad as a little kid, and seeing his sisters as kids. But there's also a sense of loneliness that comes, when you see the similarities between other family members and the people in the photo, knowing full well that you don't fit in anywhere.

Throughout my life, I've often fantasized about what it would be like to meet my birth parents - to see the similarities between myself and them. To say "I have your eyes" or "I have your nose" or "you're the reason I'm so short!". It's always been a fantasy, and yet... these things are simply realities to everyone around me... it's real for them - something that I can only imagine and make up in my mind.

My husband looks very different from his family. His sister, on the other hand, looks very much like their Dad. Robert is also very different, personality-wise than his family. When we see his family, I can easily point out similarities in personality, as well as looks, but Robert often doesn't fit in anywhere. And he knows this. He often jokes that he was born from a different father, or he'll joke about there being no real "proof" that his parents are his parents. But, in reality, obviously he knows who his parents are, who his sister is, etc etc... and it's not something he needs to question. At the end of the day, whether he likes it or not, his biological family is his family and that's it, regardless of their differences.

I suppose it simply feels isolating to know that there's none of me in anyone I see, and something that is a reality for most people (which is often taken for granted, mind you) is just a fantasy for us adoptees...

Throughout school, I think some of the most difficult days were school photo days. Every year, my Mum would insist on and pay for my sister and I to have sister photos taken. Sure, they're nice to look back on now, but the days themselves were torturous. Probably for my sister just as much as me. We've never really spoken about it, but they were difficult and, as much as I hate to say it... I hated them. When the time came, we used have to line up with our sisters, in order to have our photo taken. I used look around me, and see all the other girls, all resembling the people standing next to them. I used try to just stare at the ground in order to try to hide my face, but it didn't stop the questions of "why don't you and your sister look alike?", "why are you dark and she's not?" etc etc. I never knew how to answer these questions, and it was these questions that helped make me so ashamed of my outside appearance...

I think adoptees are in the dark about so many things that others take for granted. We also end up dealing with things that others don't give a second thought to, like school photos. Sure, they may seem like trivial things, but they're key elements in creating an identity, and once we're adults, it feels as though there's a gaping hole. I feel as though that hole is sometimes made worse, when I continue to see the similarities between the people around me, knowing there's none of me anywhere... It's a strange feeling... and I don't really like it...