The "other side" of adoption...

I've recently had a lot of things lined up in my head that I feel I want to say on this blog. But I haven't been sure where to start... However, considering it is now... 1:25am (yes, my sleeping habits are awful. I need to become less nocturnal!), and my eyesight's beginning to fade with fatigue, I thought that for now, I would simply post this:

What people seem to forget is that adoption by itself is a response to a crisis. Adoption becomes possible because some parent or family is facing an overwhelming crisis that makes it seem as if relinquishing their child—their literal flesh and blood—is the only solution. Of course, this applies only to voluntary relinquishments. I’m not even talking about how most children end up in foster care, which is by being forcibly removed from their homes and families by child protective services.

As a crisis intervention, then, adoption is hardly something to celebrate. It would be like celebrating suicide prevention or abortion. Those are not interventions to be celebrated. We view them as sometimes necessary interventions that attempt to resolve a personal crisis. This is why I cringe at “Adoption Day” celebrations and songs, or whenever I hear agencies and adoptive parents talking about bringing their little darlings home through adoption, as if they weren’t home BEFORE being ripped away from their birth families and cultures.

This is a quote from John Raible's Blog which I only recently discovered. You can read the rest of this particular article here.

I think what John said above is so true, and it's the side of adoption that I think many people on the "adopted family" side often wish not to think about. But this fact - that we were given up because, for some reason, we were originally not wanted - is something that has been in our minds since forever. Even at a very young age, I remember wondering these things. I had no idea how to articulate them, obviously, but even at a very young age, I remember wondering what exactly happened to me for me to be in Australia. People like to sugar coat things - tell us that us coming here is "the way it was meant to be" etc etc... but you still can't deny the fact that we were adopted because our original families didn't want us. Whatever the reason.

My sister has said to me many times now "I don't think of you as Korean, I just think of you as my sister". And come to think of it, others have too. My mother in law said that to me a couple of years ago. It's normally something I shrug off. When I was younger, I was glad that that was how my sister (and probably others) saw me, but these days, I'm beginning to feel as though it's a denial of a part of who I am... yes, on the one hand, it's nice to "just be known as Alexis". But on the other... I feel that Korea is just a huge part of me that... people should, in a way, see me as at least partially Korean. That's what defines many other people who are Asian, like my uncle (who's Malaysian), and many other friends... so why not me? Is it simply easier for people to "forget" about that side of me? To pretend as if I'm just as caucasian as they are?

Perhaps it's easier for them. But it's not easier for me, as an adoptee, who walks out on the street, only to be asked by others "what nationality are you?". Which is it, people? I can't be both - I can't be caucasian and Asian. It doesn't work like that. Not for me, anyway.

My friend, Angelos, gave me some advice in an e-mail after reading some stuff on this blog about my identity. He said:

What I am trying to say is that at the end of the day, its your choice to feel as you please, as long as you don't make your self perception based on what others think.

But how can we, as adoptees, not base part of our identites on what others think/say? Aren't others and their perceptions the ones that define Asian VS caucasian? Aren't they the ones who made us think/feel like we were different? Aren't they the ones who used to come up to us and say/ask things like: "are you Chinese?", "why do you look different from your family?", "are you Japanese?", "ching chong ching" etc etc... If others didn't help define who we are (and I'm not just talking about adoptees here), then would many of the issues in the world around race be around today? Isn't it the discrimination of others that makes us confused about where we stand in our families; our societies; our world?

I probably just need much more sleep, but sometimes I think I could/should go back to uni (HAHAHA) and do a PhD on myself. XD My thesis would be very long. LOL.