Self Interview Part I

Before I start, I just want to say that I have blocked anonymous commenting on this blog. I allowed it for a while, but I just find it too weird - having people comment without telling me who they are. If you don't have an OpenID and still want to contact me, please do so through e-mail, Twitter or Skype. My contact details are on the "contact me" page of this blog.

Anyway, recently I have been contacted by quite a few people regarding adoption from an adoptee's POV. I have been surprised to find that many people who read this blog are not adoptees, but are adoptive parents, siblings, other relations or friends of an adoptee. I've been asked a variety of questions about what they can do to be a support to those who are adopted and/or have adopted a child from another country. I have found myself giving a variety of different answers for various questions, and it's opened my eyes to the fact that there are many people out there nowadays who do want to support the adopted community.^^

So in response to those who are looking for advice, I thought I'd copy John Raible and interview myself the way he did on his blog. A few weeks ago, I listened to a podcast that was one in a series about creating a family. They had a panel of transracial adoptees, and they were answering questions put forth by members of the community. So I thought I'd have a go at answering the questions myself. This will probably be done over the next few entries or so, as it could end up being quite lengthy...

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1. I would like to ask adult adoptees about how they feel about forcing adoptees to learn their native language. My daughters hate their Chinese classes. They cannot keep up with the other children who hear it at home. I would like to open up career opportunities for them, as well as give them an appreciation for their heritage, but I don't want them to resent my pushing them and have them end up hating Chinese. What are your thoughts on this?

When I was young, I remember my Mum giving me the option to go learn Korean/go to Korean school and do things with other Korean adoptees. I didn't want to. I felt as though it would have made me weird(er), as no one else in my family had any reason to do this. As a young child, all I wanted was to blend in with the people around me, and I felt as though going off to learn Korean would only emphasise my differences and my "weirdness". It would have made me more ashamed of who I was as a child, and that feeling of shame was what I wanted to escape more than anything. So I think it's very important not to FORCE anything like that on a child.

Having said that, however, I now, as a 25 year old, regret my inner six year old's decision not to follow my original heritage and mother tongue. As I've said on here previously, not knowing Korean feels as though a huge part of my individual identity is missing, and it's incredibly difficult now to try and reclaim. I often feel as though I'm chasing a rainbow...

So for adoptive families now, I'd suggest integrating a part of your child's heritage into your own life. You have adopted a child from a foreign country. And like it or not, that isn't going to change. As much as you may "want a family of your own", your child's background won't change, and it's going to be a part of them for life, no matter what you do. But because you've now adopted them, you have also adopted their heritage into your family. You have become a family of varying backgrounds.

So I think it would help a lot if adoptive families integrated a part of that into their everyday lives and did things together as a family, to celebrate those different backgrounds. It doesn't mean you have to go overboard - you don't have to completely deck your house out to resemble a traditional Korean house. You don't have to sleep on futons, nor do you have to eat all your meals with chopsticks. I simply mean things like: maybe you could have a night a week where you make a meal of Korean/Chinese/whatever food. That way, you'd need to have ingredients for this type of food in your house, and your family would simply get used to seeing it around. In terms of language, you don't need to go learn the language yourself (unless you really want to, of course!). In all honesty, if my parents had tried learning Korean, then tried to talk to me in Korean, I would have found it a bit weird. But on the other hand, if you're going to send your child/ren to language school/s, go with them as a family - go meet the other families together, learn a couple of words/phrases and just generally show interest. Don't put it all on the child - it makes them feel isolated, and it's not the type of decision they should be forced to make at a very young age. At the age of six or so, you really can't tell how much things like this will affect the rest of your life.

And another very simple thing would be to watch TV shows or... movies or something in your child's native language. With today's internet technology, entertainment from around the globe is easily accessible. My husband and I have endless amounts of Korean drama series. Yes, we've downloaded a lot (*guilty*), but it's also just as easy to buy things online. There really is no excuse these days. Information is very readily available, and there are many people willing to let you know how to access it if you're unsure. It may sound mediocre, but hearing their native language regularly (whether they understand all of it or not) can make a huge difference to your child's development and self assurance. If you don't know it, put something on that can help them hear it. Watch stuff together.

Just... show interest yourself. Don't pretend like they're something they're not, because they have to deal with their racial background, whether you like it or not. As parents/relatives/friends, you can make that much easier on them, simply by showing interest in it yourself and just integrating a bit of it into your regular family life.

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This has been way way longer than I thought it would be! So I think I'll do this over a few entries and archive them. If you have any further questions on this topic, feel free to ask/send me an e-mail.