These past few days have seen me doing some serious thinking about my life, what I want from it and where I'm going. Right now, I wouldn't say I'm completely happy. Although I recently graduated with a pretty good degree, work has been scarce. And working as a casual teacher is really getting me down. The worst thing (for me) about working casual is that I don't control what happens with my career. I could be waiting years before I get my own class. It's all just chance and luck. And I hate that. I feel like I'm just floundering around, waiting for stuff to happen and being unable to control any of it. I'm really not enjoying working casual, either - being called up at 7:30am just to go babysit someone else's class for a day. I HATE doing things with little notice and I hate not knowing what's going on. It sends my anxiety through the roof. This just isn't how I want to be living my life, nor do I want this unpredictability and lack of control over my career.
I am seriously, SERIOUSLY considering going to teach English in Korea next year. I don't know for how long, I don't know where to start with something so huge, nor do I have any idea of how to go about such a massive life change. But for some reason, I feel so drawn to this idea. It's something I can't shake off. The idea's been in my head for some time now. But there are just so many reasons going against it, that it's been all too easy to push out of my mind. But when I really think about it... living in Korea for a while is something that I feel like I need to do. I don't really know why. It's not simply because I'm interested in the place. It's something more... deep in me. And if I don't do it, I feel like I'd really regret it later down the track. Like, it would be a MAJOR regret. And I don't like regret.
One of the main things going against this idea is Robert and me. When I think about living in Korea, it's really hard for me to separate my life/existence and my life with Robert. I feel like living in Korea for a while would be a purely selfish thing to do. Robert's whole life is here. His career, his friends, family... just... everything. Our whole life is here. But what about me? Maybe it's selfish of me, but am I supposed to sacrifice my own personal happiness and ambitions because I got married? I know it's not something Robert really wants to do. So should I simply go without him? Survive in Korea on my own?
I'm confused about life right now. I don't really know which way it's going. I am constantly seeing people my age having babies, buying houses, settling down. While here I am, floundering around like a fish out of water. It's frustrating and emotionally exhausting. I ultimately want a career and I want a life that I can look back on and think I did all I could do be happy with my achievements.
I can't really say what sort of impact living in Korea would have on me. I know that once I get there, I'll be scared, sad, emotional, happy and anxious all at the same time. I could spare myself this experience, but that would mean continuing to live as "half a person", something that I'm not really enjoying right now, either.
I don't know. I'm very confused. Robert and I need to have a good talk, I think. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Especially from other adoptees...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
About Me
- 윤선
- Hello! You have reached Alexis' blog site/page! Thankyou for stopping by!
About This Blog
안녕하세요! 윤선의 브로그에 환영합니다!
This blog is here for two main reasons: 1) To document my process in learning Korean and learning about my heritage and 2) To write about my experiences/thoughts/feelings about being a Korean adoptee. Note: I'm aware that the title of this blog makes no sense! In learning Korean, my husband has picked up on random words and pieced them together in very... interesting ways! "Annyong seumnida" is a quote from him, and I thought it was a suitable name for this blog, as learning Korean and discovering my identity is often very confusing for me!^^
My Twitter Updates
Blogs
Tags
- adoption (10)
- anime (1)
- conversations (1)
- cultural differences (2)
- English (1)
- family (1)
- food (2)
- handwriting (2)
- identity (9)
- introduction (1)
- Korean art (1)
- Korean Class 101 (5)
- Korean wave (1)
- Kpop (4)
- language (3)
- racism (2)
- random (5)
- Robert (6)
- teaching (2)
- Videos (3)
- 한국 드라마 (3)
- 한국어 (8)
- 한국어 동사 (1)
7 comments:
I guess for me, being raised by a soldier who was away from our family quite often, I have little fear being separated from my husband. I too graduated recently and have little luck securing a position. One year is nothing compared to the many years my parents were separated. So, I have begun to apply for positions in other states and even overseas. My husband is supportive and we are both well aware of how lucky we are in comparison to our parents who did not have Skype, the internet, email, cell phones, texting, or any other form of communication aside from sending post or wires. A marriage can work long distance. I have seen it with my own eyes. I leave for Hawaii in two weeks. Depending on the job market there, I may not return to Georgia for some time. We are both excited. I hope that you come to a place where the two of you can look past the fear of separation and see that you will be fine.
Hello! I am a Korean adoptee who planned to teach English in Korea for a year after I graduated college last year. I met a boy and moved to NJ instead. I still regret it. Go...
Well it won't be happening. At least not for a while. Not until we've paid off a lovely thing called credit card debt. *Sigh*
Debt will always be the excuse to stop so many dreams. I hope that I am not crossing a line here but... you have the power to delete this post... so here goes...
I heard a teaching the other day that may be of some help to you as well.
In the bible, it says that God will meet all of our needs, right?
But when do you have a need?
If your are saying things like this:
"If I can get the money, I will do this."
"If I can find the time, I will do this"
"If I can get help, I will do this."
Then you don't have a need. You are waiting of solutions to fall into your lap, to needs you don't have.
Once you make the decision to do what ever it is, then you have a need. Then you need money, time, help, etc.
Until then, there are no needs for God to meet.
We call it the 4 D's:
Decision
Desire
Details
Deliverance
You make the decision, which generates in you the desire, which leads to details for your deliverance.
The thing that always got me was you make the decision first, then the desire follows. Not the other way around.
Sorry, I don't mean to get preachy on you. Of course in the end it's only you that can start it all out... YOU have to make the decision to be delivered.
That's all very well, but what exactly do I do when my husband goes to prison because we left the country having not paid off our debt??
*searching for my magic wand* ^^,
I wish I knew. Our situation are different. My husband supports only two of us and his son, our debt payment at this time is only interest payments, and as soon as I am employed my income is only supplemental as our living expenses are covered wholly by his income. So, God willing once I am employed 100% of my income will go to paying down the debt I racked up for school. We figure that should I end up in another city, state, or country... we were perfectly capable of supporting ourselves as separate individuals before we married and so we can do so again. He has his son and himself to care for and I had my sister and myself to care for. So, where ever I end up I would be able to support myself and that would just mean the debt would go on a bit longer (on interest payments) until we are reunited. So, there you are. Our simple plan. I have no idea if it can apply to your situation. I just encourage you to plan the "what if" and do not lose site of your dreams!
Interesting discussion! My husband and I spent several years paying off debt, even mortgage. Then we found a way to do the travel we'd dreamed of, and him continue in the job he loves (teaching). We are moving to the other side of the world (literally!) in two months. All the doors opened, but we have been planning for a long time. I say, don't let the dream die! I do think it's important for DH to be on board - maybe in time he will be.
Post a Comment