안녕습니다!

BLOG MOVE

2009-05-26T21:52:00.000-07:00

My blog has been moved. Yes, I have caved and moved to Wordpress. Why? A few reasons. But basically it has a few more capabilities that I would like. I feel like my blog is slowly attracting more readers, and I'd like more flexibility with what I do with it. I'm going to miss Blogger. :-( It's a good little service. But I just feel like this was a necessary move for this blog. So I won't be posting here anymore. :-( It will be kept open, though.

If you would like to continue reading, please do so at:

http://seumnida.annyeong.net/

Also: to other bloggers who have me linked, I know it's a hassle, but could you please link to my new address? It would be greatly appreciated.^^

Hope to see you all over at the new place!

윤선

Life. Community Service Announcement. Another One. XP

2009-05-26T03:23:00.000-07:00

I am currently at a somewhat large crossroads in my life right now. It's like there's a battle between my "professional" life (or severe lack thereof) and the personal life (which includes all the Korean stuff and everything that gets written in this blog). I'm not entirely sure what my future holds (which frustrates me no end. I hate not having any control over my own life), and I'm also not too sure how much this blog will be updated in the near future. It'll probably be pretty irregular. I haven't even been studying Korean as often as I'd like to be, which is extremely frustrating, especially since I'm already starting to forget stuff.

I'm currently in the search for a career into the publishing world or the tech writing world. I'd love either. I've been doing a lot of thinking recently, and books/reading/writing are things I LOVE and things I couldn't live without. So much so that I'd actually die right now for a career in that sort of area (if it's not going to be teaching). So I've been applying for jobs, writing resumes and cover letters and doing research into these areas like crazy. Although it's had me quite excited, I'm also very anxious and nervous about what exactly my future holds - whether I even have a chance at a career in such an area and whether or not I even hold suitable qualifications. Surprisingly, though, this has been taking up a lot of my time, and it's been a bit... strange trying to find a balance between sorting out this part of me and the more personal stuff.

I've also been sick. I've had basically all the weird bugs that are flying around these days. Part of me is just waiting to get swine flu. XP

I also hope that North Korea doesn't accidentally blow up the South before I at least get to go there and see where I was born!

Also: I'm considering moving this blog over to Wordpress. Not 100% sure on that yet, but it's just something else I'm considering.

A few things while I'm alone on a Saturday night. XP

2009-05-23T04:06:00.000-07:00

I have almost finished the second beginner series at Korean Class 101. Thank God. I love Korean Class 101, but this series hasn't been all that great... :-( I think they can do better. But anyway, I'm currently in the process of writing as much as I possibly can about myself, using much of what I've learnt so far. I'm quite impressed in some ways, but in others I'm not. Although I feel OK at reading and writing in Korean, my speaking and listening leave much to be desired. >_< style="font-weight: bold;">So this post just may be emotion-fuelled, but I don't know... just a warning, though...

Sometimes, though, I find myself getting very easily offended and/or pissed off. And when that happens, it often causes my mind to wander and think about similar scenarios that have happened to/around me...

A couple of months ago, I changed my Facebook name to my Korean name. Just to see what it felt/looked like. (It was different, actually. Never realised how much a name means...!) I have since changed it back to my "normal" name (else people I've added wouldn't have had any clue as to who I am! LOL).

But it's funny - sometimes it's the people we know who tend to offend us more than any stranger. Well, for me, that seems to be the case at times...

Despite having changed my name back to my western name, my aunt-in-law who's on Facebook still calls me "Yoon Seon". I have no issues with this. I did change my name for a while. However, maybe it's just me, but whenever she comes online, she sends me random Korean things, and I feel like when she calls me "Yoon Seon", it's a bit... like a mockery. But whether it be a song or... whatever, if it's in Korean, I'll likely see it. It just reminds me of when I've had discussions with random people that go like this:

Person: where do you come from?
Me: You mean "where was I born?" Otherwise I come from Sydney *trying very hard not to roll eyes*
Person: Yes. Where were you born? Were you born in Australia? What nationality are you really?
Me: Well I am Australian. *Forced smile* But I was BORN in S.Korea. (There is a difference, idiot.)
Person: Oh, really? I know someone who came from there too! Their name was... hmm... can't remember. But they were SO good looking, and they lived in... (insert-random-suburb-here). Do you know them? Have you heard of them?

...I'm sorry, but...

AARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HATE that conversation. I have had it SO many times, and every time, I get so close to grabbing the person's shoulders and just shaking them! I'm sorry, but believe it or not, just because I'm of Korean heritage does NOT mean I know EVERY Korean person in the world! And in regards to my husband's aunt: just because I'm of Korean heritage does not mean I'm interested in every little Korean thing you might come across!! Yes, it might come as a shock to you, but it's the truth! 9_9

I don't expect my husband's family to understand my POV. But it does grate on one's nerves after a time...

Honestly, where does the thing come from - where caucasian people pull their eyes back in a stupid attempt to look Asian? Seriously. WTF is that?? I used have so many kids come up and do that to me as a child. I'd just be walking through the school corridors, or be playing on the playground, and kids I didn't even know would do that in passing. I remember going home SO many times and just staring at my eyes in the mirror for AGES, thinking 'my eyes don't look like that, so why do they do that? My eyes are the same size as their's. So why do they do that when they see me?'. I've never understood that. As an adult, in my opinion, it just makes them look stupid.

...but it can still be offensive. And it's these things that stick in our minds so easily. A few years ago, my husband's mother did that in my presence, and I was so taken aback that I could only sit there, dumbfounded. She didn't do it directly to me (I think she was talking about Asian tourists in Sydney or something), but just the fact that she did it at all, I just found... strange. It was quickly followed by a pronouncement of how she doesn't consider me "Asian". Am I supposed to be grateful for that "consideration"? As if being Asian is a bad thing? As if I'm "lucky" that I've been accepted into my husband's caucasian clan, despite my racial background??

It's really funny, the assumptions that people of "white privilege" make on those of us who are anything but. Although it's a great thing to sometimes joke about, I'm also a bit over my husband's sister (HAHA... I'm starting to see a theme going on here) saying how "beautiful" my and Robert's children will be, because I'm Korean and half Korean/caucasian children are "meant to be" good looking. Seriously. OK, it's nice to go "yay! I'll have pretty children", but, really... when you've said it... 5, 6, 7 times... isn't just getting a bit... superficial?

You'd think that those of whom we're "meant" to be close to would know a bit better, but clearly not. Clearly, when you're anything but caucasian, you're stuck with the stigma of being different. This is obviously how I'm going to be identified by my husband's family - tolerated, but still separate from them. My personality, likes and dislikes, abilities and disabilities don't even come into the equation for many of them.

It's funny, because (thankfully) Robert is the complete opposite of his family. I don't know why. It's probably because he has many Asian friends and has had a great interest in some parts of Asia. I've always been simply friends with him, because he's only ever treated me as HUMAN. My background has never been an issue for him, personally. He's just always treated me as Alexis, and that's it. Sure, he cares about all the complications I'm going through with my identity and stuff, but I feel like, before we got married or romantically involved AT ALL, we were easily friends because anything about my racial background simply... never mattered to him. He NEVER said anything like "I don't really consider you Asian", or "hey, look at this Korean thing!" or "wow, do you go well at school/uni?" or any of that. To me, I'm just Alexis, and as an adoptee, that has to be one of the most valuable and attractive traits about him. Aside from being really intelligent, nice, and easy to talk to, I don't think I could have married someone without this very rare trait... <3

Speaking of which, he'll probably be home soon, so I should wrap this up. If you're reading this and you know someone who's anything but caucasian (or just different to most people around you), just think about this... I think people need to consider things like this more - to see past people's outside appearances, because believe it or not, there is much more to us non-caucasians than what you can only see.

Some Thoughts about my Life...

2009-05-20T19:17:00.001-07:00

These past few days have seen me doing some serious thinking about my life, what I want from it and where I'm going. Right now, I wouldn't say I'm completely happy. Although I recently graduated with a pretty good degree, work has been scarce. And working as a casual teacher is really getting me down. The worst thing (for me) about working casual is that I don't control what happens with my career. I could be waiting years before I get my own class. It's all just chance and luck. And I hate that. I feel like I'm just floundering around, waiting for stuff to happen and being unable to control any of it. I'm really not enjoying working casual, either - being called up at 7:30am just to go babysit someone else's class for a day. I HATE doing things with little notice and I hate not knowing what's going on. It sends my anxiety through the roof. This just isn't how I want to be living my life, nor do I want this unpredictability and lack of control over my career.

I am seriously, SERIOUSLY considering going to teach English in Korea next year. I don't know for how long, I don't know where to start with something so huge, nor do I have any idea of how to go about such a massive life change. But for some reason, I feel so drawn to this idea. It's something I can't shake off. The idea's been in my head for some time now. But there are just so many reasons going against it, that it's been all too easy to push out of my mind. But when I really think about it... living in Korea for a while is something that I feel like I need to do. I don't really know why. It's not simply because I'm interested in the place. It's something more... deep in me. And if I don't do it, I feel like I'd really regret it later down the track. Like, it would be a MAJOR regret. And I don't like regret.

One of the main things going against this idea is Robert and me. When I think about living in Korea, it's really hard for me to separate my life/existence and my life with Robert. I feel like living in Korea for a while would be a purely selfish thing to do. Robert's whole life is here. His career, his friends, family... just... everything. Our whole life is here. But what about me? Maybe it's selfish of me, but am I supposed to sacrifice my own personal happiness and ambitions because I got married? I know it's not something Robert really wants to do. So should I simply go without him? Survive in Korea on my own?

I'm confused about life right now. I don't really know which way it's going. I am constantly seeing people my age having babies, buying houses, settling down. While here I am, floundering around like a fish out of water. It's frustrating and emotionally exhausting. I ultimately want a career and I want a life that I can look back on and think I did all I could do be happy with my achievements.

I can't really say what sort of impact living in Korea would have on me. I know that once I get there, I'll be scared, sad, emotional, happy and anxious all at the same time. I could spare myself this experience, but that would mean continuing to live as "half a person", something that I'm not really enjoying right now, either.

I don't know. I'm very confused. Robert and I need to have a good talk, I think. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Especially from other adoptees...

A Language Update!^^

2009-05-18T22:40:00.000-07:00

Originally this blog was created to document my learning Korean. It has rapidly turned into my adoption-rants. XD So I'm going to try and write a bit more about learning Korean and such, as well as my opinions and thoughts on adoption and stuff.

Anywho, the wonderful people who made Korean Class 101 have very recently opened their doors to a Chinese Class 101. I think that if I was so inclined, I wouldn't mind learning a Chinese language, particularly Mandarin. I seem to have a bit of a fascination with languages, and I think Chinese would be a pretty cool one to learn. I love their writing system, and being one of the world's most widely spoken languages, well... it would be kinda good to know. It would also be fascinating - to learn the language and the characters that Korean still uses sometimes. Robert and I also have quite a few friends who come from Chinese backgrounds. We often do things with them (EG: have yum cha) where I sometimes think it would be cool if I could understand what people are saying. But I honestly don't think I'm particularly capable of learning multiple languages, and I do want to put all my efforts into Korean. But I still think it would be amazing to know many languages.

You know, though, what the problem is with learning another language? Is finding enough use for it. Although the internet has obviously opened up lots of opportunities for me, I still find it very challenging simply to use all the Korean I've been learning. Writing stuff on paper and on the computer is still very different to actually having a conversation with someone. And although I seem to get quite a lot of practice with writing stuff in Korean, I still feel as though I'd struggle and freak out a bit if it came to having to actually converse with someone in Korean!

Anywho, here's some Korean practice. I'm getting my head around 기 때문에 (because) at the moment, and when to use the 기 (ki). I'm still kinda confused. But oh well. =P

오늘은 화요일이에요. 주말에 저는 심심했어요. 아빴어기 때문에 안 갔어요. 로버트도 아빴어요. 싫어요. 우리는 어제 닥터에 갔어요. Stomach flu가 있어요. 로버트는 어제 일에 안 갔어요. 아쁘기 때문에 오늘도 일에 안가요. 아마 내일 일에 안 가려고 해요. 저는 아쁘기 때문에 심심해요. 하지만 아쁘면서 한국어를 공부해서 책을 읽어요. 근데 저는 홋 초콜릿을 마시고 싶어요! 언제 저는 안 아빠요 많이 먹으려고 해요! 저는 많이 파스터과 초콜릿와 아이스크림을 먹을 것 같아요! 그리고 커피를 마실 것 같아요! 우리는 아쁘기 때문에 그냥 많이 텔레비젼을 봐서 자요. 우리는 많이 먹을 수 없어 때문에 저는 배고파요... ㅠㅠㅠ

Today is Tuesday. I was bored on the weekend. I was sick so I didn't go out. Robert was also sick. It's not good. Yesterday we went to the doctor. We have stomach flu. Yesterday Robert didn't go to work. Because he's sick he didn't go today either. He probably won't go tomorrow. Being sick makes me bored. But while I'm sick, I'm learning Korean and reading books. But I want to drink a hot chocolate! When I'm not sick I plan to eat lots! I think I'll eat lots of pasta, chocolate, ice cream and coffee! While being sick, we've just been watching TV and sleeping. Because we can't eat a lot, I'm hungry...

Seriously... I've been sick so many times this year. It's ridiculous!

Anywho, I'm kinda sleepy. I might go sleep. Or listen to some more lessons...

It's been a while... And the second part of self interview

2009-05-14T06:58:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a while since I updated this blog. I don't know why I haven't updated recently. I suppose I've just been a bit distracted with other things. And I've been sick. Again. Robert and I both got sick this time. I haven't had a good year in terms of physical health. Seems I've had flu-like bugs a lot (I'm hoping it's not Swine Flu. LOL. Not that I ever go near pigs or anything...).

Anyway, tonight I received an e-mail from the editor of Adoptive Families Association, asking if they could print something I wrote earlier in this blog in their magazine! I'm quite stoked, really! I mean, I knew this blog had gained a few readers, but I never thought I'd have someone asking if they could print something I wrote in a magazine! How exciting! ^_^

Anywho, I haven't forgotten about the self interview I started a few weeks back! So I'm going to continue that now...

*****

Self Interview Part II

"We adopted our son from Guatemala. He is considerably smaller than other American children. I worry that this will start to cause issues later on in life, even though he seems quite comfortable in his skin. Have you got any opinions/advice on this?"

HAHA. This really isn't funny, however it is, because I can relate to it so much. Despite the fact that (according to Robert) Koreans are taller than other Asian races, Asian people in general seem to be shorter and smaller than caucasian people. This may seem somewhat trivial if you're someone who's always simply blended in with your surroundings and have never had to really think about your height before. But when you're already different on the outside to the other children/people around you, it does become quite a big issue.

Personally, I am now (after many years of struggling) quite happy with my height (162cm - Robert measured me the other day because we were playing Wii Fit!) and I no longer want to be taller than I already am. However, growing up, height seemed to play a big factor, even though it really shouldn't have.

The first thing that springs to mind are school photo days (if I had one here I'd scan it and put it on here. However I'm going to my parents' house on the weekend, so perhaps I'll do it then). Every year I was seated down the bottom. Normally I'd be on the end of the bottom row (meaning I was the shortest, or one of them at least), and if I was lucky I'd be one or two people in. But generally, I was on the end. This bothered me so much growing up. In western cultures, it seems that taller is more respected than shorter. (Personally, I really don't know why. I think six foot tall women can often look a bit silly, really. Not all, but some.) So along with already appearing different on the outside, I was also marked as the short one. I remember being in years 5 and 6 and kids who were younger then me would come up and ask if I was in year 1 or 2! As a child who already had insecurities about her background and physical appearance, this was just another stab to the gut.

Nowadays, people think I'm lucky that I look much younger than I actually am (I still get asked for ID when I enter places that have such requirements). But as a child, it's just not something you want, and it only adds to your insecurities.

The other thing that made me feel so out of place was that, for some reason, height has always seemed to be an issue with my extended family. I've never really known why. (Sometimes I wonder whether they have more insecurities about height than I do). My Mum is the oldest of five siblings. Most of whom are really quite tall. And I just remember particular aunts and uncles constantly making comments (often in a joking way) about my height. They still do it sometimes. And I honestly don't really understand why. But it always played a part, especially when my younger sister out-grew me at a pretty young age, and so did my younger cousins.

Honestly, I think the more something gets mentioned, the more of an issue it becomes. In the context of my family, if it hadn't been brought up so often, I probably wouldn't have worried about it as much as I did. Sure, I'd go home and complain to my Mum about how I was shorter than everyone else at school, but to this day, I still don't really understand the issue my Mum's family seems to have about height... it simply boggles my mind sometimes, and I walk away thinking 'why???'.

I think as an adoptee, outside appearances play a huge part in our lives, more than they do for others - because it's what people see at first glance - it's what sets us apart from those around us and those closest to us.

For anyone reading this seeking advice - I'd simply say: don't make it an issue in your family. If your child comes home upset that someone said something to them at school, comfort them, but don't then make it an issue in your home. I've found that it's just another way of saying "you're different from us. Here's another way you aren't like us!". In all honesty, I think that's how I feel, deep down, whenever members of my extended family say things like this. I already look at them and see the endless differences between myself and them, but when they constantly bring up my height and such, I feel like saying "sheesh, why don't you just list off all the other reasons as to how I don't blend in here? We all know the differences are there! Just rub it in a bit more, why don't you? Add a bit more salt to that wound!".

We adoptees already have to deal with our differences every single day. Don't highlight the differences to the adopted child. It only increases their sense of insecurity and their sense of "oh, look! Just another way I'm different!".

*****

And with that... I should probably go to bed! Til next time!

Community Service Announcement

2009-05-04T08:02:00.000-07:00

I have been doing some thinking over the past couple of days about this blog and where exactly it has been going. I have been quite pleased with the amount of readers it has accumulated in a relatively short amount of time. I'm also pleased that people seem to be grateful to me about certain things I have written on here. I am, however, also aware that many of the articles/entries I post in here have the tendency to paint a rather bleak and depressing portrayal of my life. I guess, before I continue to blog here, I want to say that this is not necessarily the case. I don't hate my life or anything. In fact, I think I have quite a privileged, comfortable and cushy life. I don't write in here to hurt, insult or shock anyone. I write in here to be honest, to come to terms with my own feelings, and to continue to develop and grow as a Korean adoptee and a member two ever changing, modern societies.

What? Two societies??

This blog often appears to be somewhat depressing and very confronting, because as a Korean adoptee and an individual, I feel as though I live between two worlds - one being the modern, western Australia that I know and the other being the foreign yet extremely familiar and homely S.Korea. I am forever trying to find the balance between my two identities. This is a personal matter to me. It is not a way for me to lash out and say I think my parents have done me any wrong or anything to that extent. I love my parents and my sister very very much, and I know they feel the same for me.

But I think that an existence as an adoptee is a very different one to that of those who aren't adopted. This blog is a way for me to personally come to terms with certain aspects of my life and myself, along with things that adoptees struggle with that others do not. I really hope that one day I can be totally comfortable with who I am, my place in the world and my sense of self. This journey is often just as confronting to me as this blog may seem to you. But in making all this information public, I hope to not only deal with my own inner demons (and voices), but to connect with other adoptees (something I haven't had a lot of), adoptive parents and support networks and to inform those who may be looking for the voice/opinions of an adoptee who has come before (or after) themselves or their child/ren/relative/s.

But I do just want to make it clear that my life here is nothing short of wonderful and privileged. It's just that... as an adoptee, I struggle with what it means to be between two very different worlds - to have one half of me in one world, and the other in another. I'm trying very hard to find a happy medium and to somehow combine the two, but until I find a way to do that, all I can do is keep searching. ^_^

Thankyou for reading. I do appreciate my readers and their thoughts, opinions and comments.

Self Interview Part I

2009-04-30T07:06:00.000-07:00

Before I start, I just want to say that I have blocked anonymous commenting on this blog. I allowed it for a while, but I just find it too weird - having people comment without telling me who they are. If you don't have an OpenID and still want to contact me, please do so through e-mail, Twitter or Skype. My contact details are on the "contact me" page of this blog.

Anyway, recently I have been contacted by quite a few people regarding adoption from an adoptee's POV. I have been surprised to find that many people who read this blog are not adoptees, but are adoptive parents, siblings, other relations or friends of an adoptee. I've been asked a variety of questions about what they can do to be a support to those who are adopted and/or have adopted a child from another country. I have found myself giving a variety of different answers for various questions, and it's opened my eyes to the fact that there are many people out there nowadays who do want to support the adopted community.^^

So in response to those who are looking for advice, I thought I'd copy John Raible and interview myself the way he did on his blog. A few weeks ago, I listened to a podcast that was one in a series about creating a family. They had a panel of transracial adoptees, and they were answering questions put forth by members of the community. So I thought I'd have a go at answering the questions myself. This will probably be done over the next few entries or so, as it could end up being quite lengthy...

*****

1. I would like to ask adult adoptees about how they feel about forcing adoptees to learn their native language. My daughters hate their Chinese classes. They cannot keep up with the other children who hear it at home. I would like to open up career opportunities for them, as well as give them an appreciation for their heritage, but I don't want them to resent my pushing them and have them end up hating Chinese. What are your thoughts on this?

When I was young, I remember my Mum giving me the option to go learn Korean/go to Korean school and do things with other Korean adoptees. I didn't want to. I felt as though it would have made me weird(er), as no one else in my family had any reason to do this. As a young child, all I wanted was to blend in with the people around me, and I felt as though going off to learn Korean would only emphasise my differences and my "weirdness". It would have made me more ashamed of who I was as a child, and that feeling of shame was what I wanted to escape more than anything. So I think it's very important not to FORCE anything like that on a child.

Having said that, however, I now, as a 25 year old, regret my inner six year old's decision not to follow my original heritage and mother tongue. As I've said on here previously, not knowing Korean feels as though a huge part of my individual identity is missing, and it's incredibly difficult now to try and reclaim. I often feel as though I'm chasing a rainbow...

So for adoptive families now, I'd suggest integrating a part of your child's heritage into your own life. You have adopted a child from a foreign country. And like it or not, that isn't going to change. As much as you may "want a family of your own", your child's background won't change, and it's going to be a part of them for life, no matter what you do. But because you've now adopted them, you have also adopted their heritage into your family. You have become a family of varying backgrounds.

So I think it would help a lot if adoptive families integrated a part of that into their everyday lives and did things together as a family, to celebrate those different backgrounds. It doesn't mean you have to go overboard - you don't have to completely deck your house out to resemble a traditional Korean house. You don't have to sleep on futons, nor do you have to eat all your meals with chopsticks. I simply mean things like: maybe you could have a night a week where you make a meal of Korean/Chinese/whatever food. That way, you'd need to have ingredients for this type of food in your house, and your family would simply get used to seeing it around. In terms of language, you don't need to go learn the language yourself (unless you really want to, of course!). In all honesty, if my parents had tried learning Korean, then tried to talk to me in Korean, I would have found it a bit weird. But on the other hand, if you're going to send your child/ren to language school/s, go with them as a family - go meet the other families together, learn a couple of words/phrases and just generally show interest. Don't put it all on the child - it makes them feel isolated, and it's not the type of decision they should be forced to make at a very young age. At the age of six or so, you really can't tell how much things like this will affect the rest of your life.

And another very simple thing would be to watch TV shows or... movies or something in your child's native language. With today's internet technology, entertainment from around the globe is easily accessible. My husband and I have endless amounts of Korean drama series. Yes, we've downloaded a lot (*guilty*), but it's also just as easy to buy things online. There really is no excuse these days. Information is very readily available, and there are many people willing to let you know how to access it if you're unsure. It may sound mediocre, but hearing their native language regularly (whether they understand all of it or not) can make a huge difference to your child's development and self assurance. If you don't know it, put something on that can help them hear it. Watch stuff together.

Just... show interest yourself. Don't pretend like they're something they're not, because they have to deal with their racial background, whether you like it or not. As parents/relatives/friends, you can make that much easier on them, simply by showing interest in it yourself and just integrating a bit of it into your regular family life.

*****

This has been way way longer than I thought it would be! So I think I'll do this over a few entries and archive them. If you have any further questions on this topic, feel free to ask/send me an e-mail.

Yay! Some speaking practice! FINALLY!

2009-04-28T01:48:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try video-ing my weekly recounts from now on. If you know any Korean at all, it's pretty damn obvious that my pronunciation is SHOCKINGLY BAD. T_T Still, I'm glad to have finally done some practice. I just wish I had someone I could practice conversations with in real life.

Speaking of Korean, though, I've started to (slowly) listen to Korean Class 101's Lower Intermediate lessons. I'm continuing with the Beginner series' as usual, but over the past couple of weeks, I've found I've been a bit... bored and not so challenged. And when I get bored, THAT'S BAD. Boredom = me quitting, and I don't want to quit. So in an attempt to have more of a challenge, I'm slowly moving up to Lower Intermediate (even though I don't actually think I'm up to it yet). ...but that's better than simply quitting altogether because of boredom, right?

The "other side" of adoption...

2009-04-26T08:24:00.000-07:00

I've recently had a lot of things lined up in my head that I feel I want to say on this blog. But I haven't been sure where to start... However, considering it is now... 1:25am (yes, my sleeping habits are awful. I need to become less nocturnal!), and my eyesight's beginning to fade with fatigue, I thought that for now, I would simply post this:

What people seem to forget is that adoption by itself is a response to a crisis. Adoption becomes possible because some parent or family is facing an overwhelming crisis that makes it seem as if relinquishing their child—their literal flesh and blood—is the only solution. Of course, this applies only to voluntary relinquishments. I’m not even talking about how most children end up in foster care, which is by being forcibly removed from their homes and families by child protective services.

As a crisis intervention, then, adoption is hardly something to celebrate. It would be like celebrating suicide prevention or abortion. Those are not interventions to be celebrated. We view them as sometimes necessary interventions that attempt to resolve a personal crisis. This is why I cringe at “Adoption Day” celebrations and songs, or whenever I hear agencies and adoptive parents talking about bringing their little darlings home through adoption, as if they weren’t home BEFORE being ripped away from their birth families and cultures.

This is a quote from John Raible's Blog which I only recently discovered. You can read the rest of this particular article here.

I think what John said above is so true, and it's the side of adoption that I think many people on the "adopted family" side often wish not to think about. But this fact - that we were given up because, for some reason, we were originally not wanted - is something that has been in our minds since forever. Even at a very young age, I remember wondering these things. I had no idea how to articulate them, obviously, but even at a very young age, I remember wondering what exactly happened to me for me to be in Australia. People like to sugar coat things - tell us that us coming here is "the way it was meant to be" etc etc... but you still can't deny the fact that we were adopted because our original families didn't want us. Whatever the reason.

My sister has said to me many times now "I don't think of you as Korean, I just think of you as my sister". And come to think of it, others have too. My mother in law said that to me a couple of years ago. It's normally something I shrug off. When I was younger, I was glad that that was how my sister (and probably others) saw me, but these days, I'm beginning to feel as though it's a denial of a part of who I am... yes, on the one hand, it's nice to "just be known as Alexis". But on the other... I feel that Korea is just a huge part of me that... people should, in a way, see me as at least partially Korean. That's what defines many other people who are Asian, like my uncle (who's Malaysian), and many other friends... so why not me? Is it simply easier for people to "forget" about that side of me? To pretend as if I'm just as caucasian as they are?

Perhaps it's easier for them. But it's not easier for me, as an adoptee, who walks out on the street, only to be asked by others "what nationality are you?". Which is it, people? I can't be both - I can't be caucasian and Asian. It doesn't work like that. Not for me, anyway.

My friend, Angelos, gave me some advice in an e-mail after reading some stuff on this blog about my identity. He said:

What I am trying to say is that at the end of the day, its your choice to feel as you please, as long as you don't make your self perception based on what others think.

But how can we, as adoptees, not base part of our identites on what others think/say? Aren't others and their perceptions the ones that define Asian VS caucasian? Aren't they the ones who made us think/feel like we were different? Aren't they the ones who used to come up to us and say/ask things like: "are you Chinese?", "why do you look different from your family?", "are you Japanese?", "ching chong ching" etc etc... If others didn't help define who we are (and I'm not just talking about adoptees here), then would many of the issues in the world around race be around today? Isn't it the discrimination of others that makes us confused about where we stand in our families; our societies; our world?

I probably just need much more sleep, but sometimes I think I could/should go back to uni (HAHAHA) and do a PhD on myself. XD My thesis would be very long. LOL.

Anime

2009-04-24T20:53:00.000-07:00

Anime.

Love it or hate it, it's hard to deny that it's become very popular over the last couple of decades, and most people - whether they're die hard fans or not - seem to know a little about what anime is.

Last night, for the 47950849347594039th time, I started watching PGSM or... Live Action Sailor Moon (sad, I know):

Yes, I was your typical Sailor Moon fan as a kid. And watching the below opening is just so nostaligic (I think my parents know this opening off by heart just as much as I do):

^_^

Last year, I actually went through and watched every Sailor Moon series, including the very strange and random final series, Sailor Stars:

(That is seriously the best opening. I <3 that song!

Yes, I was your typical Sailor Moon fan. I watched all the episodes that were on TV over and over again, I drew fanart (*shock horror*! (I hate fanart)), and I read summaries of the Japanese series not shown on TV here on the internet. I also developed an interest in Japan and the Japanese language... Yes, I was becoming your typical anime fan. *Hangs head in shame*

But what the heck has this got to do with anything Korean?

Growing up, Korea never played a huge role in my life. In fact, Korea - despite not wanting to know anything about it - was always some... mystical, unknown place to me. I knew nothing about it, it had nothing to do with Australian life and/or my family, but it was always with me. And despite it being totally foreign, it was also very very familiar and... homely. Whenever I looked in the mirror, there was Korea - staring straight back at me - something I could not deny, no matter how hard I tried.

I actually, ultimately, have anime to thank for leading me to my interest in Korea and my heritage, and for taking away the shame I felt growing up.

As I got older and made my way through high school, my friend from school and I joined the university anime club. And this was where things changed. I was suddenly surrounded and inundated with... Asia-philes - people obsessed with Japanese culture, anime and... everything else Japanese. At first, I thought it was great. And, without adding in all the details, I soon came to realise that many people interested in Japan also had some interest in Korea.

This was so shocking to say the least. Here I was, feeling ashamed of where I was born, but right in front of me were these caucasian people, wishing they were Korean and/or Japanese! It was the strangest feeling ever - to see people actually wanting to know about the place/thing I'd been so afraid of my whole life! Suddenly, I was feeling a small surge of pride about my heritage... that my own heritage was something other people wanted for themselves! I was so used to things being the other way round, yet here were all these people saying how cool it was that I was Korean!

I have since left the anime clubs/groups. The fandom became too much for me in the end, and a lot of it, I thought, was a bit creepy...

However, I have since come away from it with a newfound pride in my heritage, along with my own interest in it. (I also walked away with my amazing husband, since we met through the clubs.) My interest in anime has since... mostly disappeared. However, I do watch the odd series here and there. But I still believe that anime and Japanese things opened the door for me to Korean stuff. And it helped me feel not so ashamed of... myself. The shame still comes and goes (depending on the various contexts I'm in, and the people I'm with), but I don't know where I'd be, in terms of my identity, had I not experienced the whole anime thing. Although I walked away disliking a lot of what the anime culture had to offer, I still think it benefited me in ways other things hadn't.

...it's funny, the experiences you have in life, isn't it?^^

Korean Practice. FINALLY!

2009-04-21T23:00:00.000-07:00

WOO HOO! I have some Korean practice to share! It's not a lot... but it's something! It's actually quite bad, because I've realised that I'm starting to forget stuff...

Anywho...

안녕하세요! 윤선이에요! 오랜만이에요. 한국어 공부는 것이없어요 때문에 저는 프루가 있어요. 안 좋아요... 아직 있어요... 지금은 학교 방학이에요 그래서 저는 일 안해요. 주말에 저는 대학교 졸엄이있었어요. 제 Master of Teaching (Primary)을 주었어요. 제 남편이랑 어머니랑 아버지랑 여동생랑 같이 왔어요. 그리고 제 친구 오데트하고 호리하고 크리스틴하고 벡하고 로렌하고 봤어요 - 같이 대학원했어요. 이후 제 가족이랑 한국 요리을 먹었어요! 진짜 맛있었어요!! 대학원하는 행복해요.^^

목요일에 로버트랑 저는 우리 친구 단이엘하고 제인을 만났어요. 같이 영화관에 갔어요. 근데 로버트랑 단이엘은 트라곤벌을 보고 싶었어요 그리고 제인하고 저는 트라곤벌을 안 보고 싶었어요, 그래서 우리는 Confessions of a Shopaholic을 봤어요! 채미있었어요! 저는 좋아했어요! 단이엘하고 제인은 훌륭한 사람이에요!^^

오늘은 수요일이에요. 저는 아직도 아퍼요 그리고 싫어해요... :-(

Hi everyone! This is Alexis! It's been a while! I haven't had Korean study because I've had the flu. I don't like it... I still have it... It's school holidays now, though, so I don't have to work. On the weekend I had my university graduation. I got my Master of Teaching (Primary). My husband, Mum, Dad and sister came with me. And I saw my friends Odette, Holly, Christine, Bec and Lauren - we graduated together. Then I went with my family for Korean food! It was really delicious! I'm happy that I've graduated.

On Thursday Robert and I met our friends Daniel and Jane. We went to the movies together. But Robert and Daniel wanted to see Dragonball. Jane and I didn't want to see Dragonball so we saw Confessions of a Shopaholic! It was a fun movie, I liked it! Daniel and Jane are really nice people.^^

Today is Wednesday. I am still sick and I don't like it... :-(

Yay! I plan on studying much more from now on.^^

Location Location Location!

2009-04-21T03:12:00.000-07:00

People who know me relatively well know I have a weakness for boy bands and pop. XD As sad as that is. And Korean boy bands are certainly no exception. The past few years has seen a bit of a rise in the popularity of very large pop groups, like Super Junior:

Sometime I wonder whether my taste in music will ever "mature", but as far as I can tell, it really hasn't changed much since I was 14 or so. LOL.

Anywho, if anyone reading this is on Twitter, please let me know who you are so I can follow you! I need/want to get the hang of it. I'm not very good at using it, but I want to learn. Robert's always saying how it's the next biggest thing to Facebook, so I want to try and keep up. My user name is on my contact page on this blog.

Anyway, my real reason for updating this blog? I've recently been thinking about location. I have about 30-40 pages left of Once They Hear My Name - a collection of stories of Korean adoptees in the US. For me, it's been pretty heavy, emotional reading. I think I've taken so long to read it, simply because I need to stop and take a break quite frequently. (After this, I'm planning on reading Confessions of a Shopaholic - my friend, Jane, and I saw the movie last week, and it was the best chick flick. I need something light hearted after this adoption book!) I know that many transracial adoptees out there seem to experience much more racism than I think I did growing up. I posted about it the other week... And I think this partially has to do with where I grew up...

An adoptive mother e-mailed me last week, asking for some advice on what she and her husband can do for their two Chinese adopted children. One thing I advised was that they live in a culturally diverse area.

When I watched Adopted the Movie, one of the people in the documentary part said something like:

When you adopt a child of colour, you become a family of colour.

This small quote has stuck with me for the past few weeks. I think many families adopt, expecting things to be the other way round - that we'll arrive in Australia, or America or the UK or... anywhere else, and suddenly be expected to be white - to be brought up speaking English, to eat with knives and forks and to feel a kinship with other caucasian people, like our adoptive families. There's never, really, any consideration or integration of our original ethnic culture, or even acknowledgment. But I think it should be the other way round, and people are coming round to that fact now.

Until my family moved out of the city to a very caucasian area, where I was literally the only Asian person around for miles, I feel as though I was luckier than other adoptees out there. Sydney is a city of quite a lot of diversity. Robert and I went out for yumcha a few weeks ago with his high school friends (all of whom are Asian. Robert is jokingly labelled the "token caucasian". But this topic is waiting in my head for its own post here!), and we ended up discussing what the percentage of Asian people populate Sydney. I'm not sure what we concluded with, but it was a pretty high number. Where many adoptees grow up in areas more akin to the area my family moved to when I was a teenager, I was spared those experiences as a young child, simply because I was lucky enough that my family lived in an affluent area of a city that is quite multi racial. Conveniently, too, my very first friend was Japanese. Coincidence?

I probably don't need to go into the experiences I had when my family moved. I think it's enough, for now, to simply say that I'm extremely relieved that Robert and I moved back to the area I grew up in... I feel incredibly out of place in primarily caucasian areas, and I'm sure other adoptees out there share these feelings. I don't think it's just me.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. I suppose I've just been thinking recently about the impacts the area you grow up has on you. And I think it's profoundly important for adoptive parents to bring their children up in an area where they can see, socialise with, and integrate with other people of colour similar to themselves.

Ahh Family Photos...

2009-04-14T07:50:00.001-07:00

So last week, as it's now school holidays, I had this wonderful vision of me spending much of my time learning Korean, making videos, writing lots of good stuff. Instead, I am still plagued with the flu and my brain and voice just aren't working the way they normally do. Unfortunately, the little amount of Korean I've learnt feels like it's slipping through my head like sand through one's fingers. So in the meantime, I can only continue to update this blog with big ramblings, instead of any Korean progress. :-(

Anywho, I hope that anyone who may be reading this had a wonderful Easter Sunday. I did (despite my bad health), and Robert and I scored much in the way of the chocolate kind. The first half of the day was spent with my Dad's parents. Part of the afternoon was spent looking at old family photos. I also just read something over at Ethnically Incorrect, and a few things came to mind that I thought fitted this blog.

Unfortunately, as much as we may love and be loved by our adoptive families, it's often still difficult, as an adoptee, to take part in and look at family photos. Especially from when we were little. On Easter Sunday, it was cute seeing my Dad as a little kid, and seeing his sisters as kids. But there's also a sense of loneliness that comes, when you see the similarities between other family members and the people in the photo, knowing full well that you don't fit in anywhere.

Throughout my life, I've often fantasized about what it would be like to meet my birth parents - to see the similarities between myself and them. To say "I have your eyes" or "I have your nose" or "you're the reason I'm so short!". It's always been a fantasy, and yet... these things are simply realities to everyone around me... it's real for them - something that I can only imagine and make up in my mind.

My husband looks very different from his family. His sister, on the other hand, looks very much like their Dad. Robert is also very different, personality-wise than his family. When we see his family, I can easily point out similarities in personality, as well as looks, but Robert often doesn't fit in anywhere. And he knows this. He often jokes that he was born from a different father, or he'll joke about there being no real "proof" that his parents are his parents. But, in reality, obviously he knows who his parents are, who his sister is, etc etc... and it's not something he needs to question. At the end of the day, whether he likes it or not, his biological family is his family and that's it, regardless of their differences.

I suppose it simply feels isolating to know that there's none of me in anyone I see, and something that is a reality for most people (which is often taken for granted, mind you) is just a fantasy for us adoptees...

Throughout school, I think some of the most difficult days were school photo days. Every year, my Mum would insist on and pay for my sister and I to have sister photos taken. Sure, they're nice to look back on now, but the days themselves were torturous. Probably for my sister just as much as me. We've never really spoken about it, but they were difficult and, as much as I hate to say it... I hated them. When the time came, we used have to line up with our sisters, in order to have our photo taken. I used look around me, and see all the other girls, all resembling the people standing next to them. I used try to just stare at the ground in order to try to hide my face, but it didn't stop the questions of "why don't you and your sister look alike?", "why are you dark and she's not?" etc etc. I never knew how to answer these questions, and it was these questions that helped make me so ashamed of my outside appearance...

I think adoptees are in the dark about so many things that others take for granted. We also end up dealing with things that others don't give a second thought to, like school photos. Sure, they may seem like trivial things, but they're key elements in creating an identity, and once we're adults, it feels as though there's a gaping hole. I feel as though that hole is sometimes made worse, when I continue to see the similarities between the people around me, knowing there's none of me anywhere... It's a strange feeling... and I don't really like it...

Things inherently Korean... a post while I'm feverish and fluey.

2009-04-11T00:31:00.001-07:00

So Robert and I were just talking (well... I was talking at Robert...) about things that are inherently Asian about... me. LOL. In Once They Hear My Name, one of the adoptees was saying how he thinks that people have things that are just inherently in them, regardless of what environment they've been brought up in. He named a few things about himself that he thinks of as being simply... "Korean" about him. It got me thinking of things that I feel are inherently Korean about me. And the two main things that popped into mind straight away were:

1. The first one would have to simply be that I could live on plain white rice. LOL. I get the biggest cravings for plain rice sometimes. And I know that's viewed as kind of weird in the "western" mind frame. LOL. Robert's always thought it was something kinda weird. XP That and kimchi. I get massive cravings for kimchi and feel kinda... lost if I don't have a bucket of it in my fridge. XD (Note: for those who may not be aware, Koreans cannot live without rice and kimchi. And I'm beginning to think that that's not just a cultural thing!)

2. The way I eat. As a kid, I remember my Mum always telling me to not eat so fast. Koreans like to mix their food up. EG: bibimbap. Growing up, my family had lots of baked dinners, EG: sausages with vegetables and stuff. I used cram a bite of each thing into my mouth, so it could kinda all be... mixed up in my mouth, but it seriously must have looked like I was simply shovelling food into my mouth. LOL. After seeing how Korean people eat, I kinda think I eat like them too. XD

In other random news, I think it's kinda funny that 이민호 has started a singing career. Although I am a complete sucker for this type of pop music, I can't help but think that it's all just a big "let's-make-use-of-MinHo's-꽃보다 남자-popularity-and-make-more-money-by-getting-him-to-sing!". Yes, I love the song - it's catchy and addictive and a guilty pleasure, but come on... is that all it is to be a celebrity these days - to make money for the people above you? XP In a way... I feel kinda sorry for them. Still, I like 이민호. And when your husband gets somewhat addicted to a cute Korean drama like 꽃보다 남자, well... you know they've done something right! XD

Wow... what a random blog post this has been! Now to try and get over the flu so I can ~~eat more chocolate~~ hopefully enjoy Easter Sunday... T_T

Racism...

2009-04-07T03:53:00.000-07:00

So at the moment, I'm reading Once They Hear My Name, which is a book of nine Korean adoptees talking about their experiences in being adopted. I haven't finished it yet, but after reading it, reading other adoptees' blogs and watching Adopted the Movie, I've noticed that one thing these stories have in common is racism. It seems as though many transracial adoptees have experienced quite a lot of racism throughout their upbringing, and it's made me think about my own experiences with it.

I don't think I experienced as much racism as many other adoptees have. The first time I experienced - or maybe the better term would be "noticed" - any racism wasn't until I was about 15. Before then, I grew up in quite a privileged area of Sydney, and I went to a school where there were many other Asian kids. The one thing, for me, though, was that I was different from the rest of my family. Sure, I got the usual questions of "what country do you come from?", "what language do you speak?" and "are you Chinese?", but it wasn't until people saw my family that the more difficult questions arose. I never knew how to answer these questions, and I remember trying to think of the most ridiculous reasons as to why my sister and I looked different. I struggled with this throughout my whole childhood. And I do now, still... just... not to the same extent as I did.

When I was about 15, however, my family moved to a much different area that's not even really considered "Sydney". We moved from the hustle and bustle of Sydney to a much quieter, much more... caucasian area. My sister and I went to a school that was much bigger than our previous one, and I was literally the ONLY student of any sort of colour in the school. And this was when I got the racism. I've always been a very naive person. I normally perceive it as simply... stupidity. LOL. But I'll never forget - I was sitting in a maths class one day, and a boy (oh, I should also note: previously, I attended an all girl's school. So I hadn't really been to school with boys before, either!) passed me a note that said: "get back on your boat". I didn't get it. I looked around at people, and shrugged it off, thinking 'boat? What boat? Why would I get on a boat?'. My "friends" at the time looked at me really seriously, then at lunch explained how it was 'cause I was adopted. I still didn't get it.

I took the note home and showed it to my parents, who got quite upset over it. I still didn't get it. LOL. They had to basically sit me down and explain to me what racism was. (Once they'd calmed down themselves.) Needless to say, even though my parents are still living in that area, I never really felt comfortable there. My husband and I have since moved back to the city, where I feel much more comfortable, as there are many people of various different racial backgrounds.

I don't think anyone can really "get used to" racism and difference. I think it's something that's always awkward and hard to deal with. It's also the first thing people notice, because it's simply what they can see. I think there are lots of adoptive parents out there, who, although have good intentions, seem to adopt, thinking that it doesn't matter what race of child they adopt, race doesn't matter, so long as they raise a child to be simply... "a good person". However, I don't really think that's enough. Like it or not, race and cultural differences play a huge role in society, and I don't think people of "white privilege" seem to realise this:

In regards to the picture above, I'm married to a very caucasian guy. He's a fantastic person and knows me... probably better than anyone else. However, he comes from a very very very caucasian family. And I don't mean this in a derrogatory, or bad way. That's simply the way his family is, and I'd be lying if I said it was easy to marry into a family that I know I stick out like a sore thumb within...

A few years ago, just after we got engaged, we had a dinner to celebrate our engagement. It was just with us and our immediate families. I hadn't experienced any of the "why-are-you-different-from-your-family?" situations for years. Probably since I finished high school (2001), and I thought I was sorta... over them. I thought I was capable of dealing with it, and being upfront about my adoption, identity and where I fitted in with my family. Before this night, our families hadn't met. Before, I'd asked Robert to specifically tell his Dad and his Dad's partner that I'm adopted, so there wouldn't be any surprises, and things would go OK. Robert did this, however, I honestly don't think his Dad really listened when he told him. When his Dad and his partner arrived (my family was already seated and such), his partner came up to me, and said in a nice big, clear voice "are your parents coming, Alexis?". Even at the age of... 22, the awkwardness, embarrassment and shame from my childhood came flooding back to me in a wave not unlike a tsunami. It hit me in the face so hard that I had to really make a huge effort to hide my emotions and... sheer anger, and calmly explain that the people in front of us were my parents.

It might not sound like much, but when you've experienced these sorts of situations throughout your whole life, it's extremely frustrating to realise that old emotions don't go away easily, nor do people get "less ignorant"... you just grow up, and all you can really do is keep going and keep learning yourself, regardless of whether or not others do.

I often wonder what the people on the other end/s of these situations feel. Normally, I don't care, but part of my reason for blogging all this and making things so public, is I suppose, to have a voice. Even if I make one person in the world more aware of how adoptees feel, I'd feel somewhat accomplished. During my undergrad degree, we had an assignment, where we had to make something that raised awareness of something we felt passionate about. And despite my abundance of feelings of just "wanting to escape uni", this assignment was really enjoyable for me. I chose transracial adoption. I made this big book-like thing. Each page had something about me on it. After binding it, I cut each page in half, to express how I felt about feeling as though I live between two worlds. People were really moved by it. We all got to go around and look at each other's assignments, and I was really touched by how successful my assignment had been. I really felt a sense of achievement. I think that was probably one of the most meaningful moments of my 5 years at university...

Anywho, this post has been very large. I didn't mean to write so much, but I guess I just have a lot to say. ^_^ I've been putting it off, but there will definitely be a Korean speaking practice sometime soon. Thanks for reading.

2009-04-05T00:49:00.000-07:00

Click here for private post. If you want to be able to read this, and can't, please e-mail me. I just have some stuff that I don't want the whole world to be able to see! XP

Why the Korean stuff?

2009-04-02T05:38:00.001-07:00

The other day, Robert and I bought and downloaded Adopted the Movie. It's something I'd been waiting to see for a while now. We tried ordering it online a month or so ago, but shipping alone was going to cost over $100 (!!!), so we didn't get it. Thankfully, they made it available for download, so we finally managed to see it...

So much of it rang true. And so much of it made me see that I'm not alone in the world when it comes to feeling/thinking certain things. I have many many things to say in response to Adopted, but I thought that for now, I'd just post one of the movies from their YouTube page:

I've been trying to explain to Robert, lately, why all this Korean stuff is so important to me - why I'm spending so much time and effort to learn the language, and why I feel like I simply have to... be Korean in some ways. I suppose in this video, Richard Lee explains it pretty well when he says that adoptees "experience a sense of loss". ...that "may come later in life". I think that, in learning Korean... I'm filling in a part of me that I feel has been missing - filling in the hole that I feel like I'm experiencing through that loss. People seem to perceive my learning Korean as an "interest"... a "passion"... Robert's aunt said to me on Facebook the other day that she thinks I'm "amazing that I can put so much effort into my 'passion'". But I feel like it's more than that. It's part of who I am. It's part of me, whether or not people like it. Whether I like it or not.

I could go through life without it. But I've done that for 20 odd years. And it's driven me crazy. I feel like I can't live, feeling as though I have a hole in me. Without it, I'm constantly wondering, and I'm sick of living like that. It makes everything seem so empty...

That, however, is not to say that my life here isn't "good enough". Finding the Korean part of me doesn't mean that I think my life here is crap or worthless. It's not. I love what I have in Australia. But it's not completely who I am. I don't feel like I can relate wholly to Australia and its culture. I often feel out of place... like I don't really belong. Despite the fact that I haven't been back to Korea since I was born, I suppose I have that yearning that Richard Lee briefly mentions in the above video. And it's a strange feeling... feeling like I need to go back to a place I don't even remember!

Anywho, I'm aware that this blog is sounding very very emo these days. Which sucks, I know. I need Korean speaking practice so badly, but I've been so lazy. So just to... make things a bit less adoption-emo-ish, I'll just post the MV for this song that I like at the moment.

Adoption as the new fad.

2009-03-30T21:23:00.000-07:00

This makes me angry. I hate hate hate HATE that adoption is becoming just a new "cool" thing for stupid, trashy American celebrities to make themselves look like saintly beings. I hate Angelina Jolie and her wanting a "colourful" family. I hate that she thinks she's doing the world some wonderful service by adopting all these "needy" children. And I hate that she receives so much publicity and accolade for what she's doing.

It seems to me that in the western world, adoption is looked at as a good deed - people helping "needy", otherwise unwanted children. Now, don't get me wrong - I don't think I'm 100% against adoption, but I think the way it's done and looked at is often wrong. I feel like a lot of people adopt, without thinking really about the type of upbringing the kid/s are ultimately going to have. On one hand, we have the people who think of it as a good deed - something to make themselves feel a bit better about themselves. And on the other hand, we have the people (like many adoptive parents out there, my parents included) who simply "wanted a family". Ultimately, all these people seem to have the assumption that as long as they give their child/ren all the love in the world and a more "privileged" upbringing than what they may have otherwise had, that that's enough - their child should be happy and grateful for what they've been given.

Now, I'm sure many people would say: would you prefer to not have been adopted? Do you think it's better that children simply live out their lives in orphanages, or worse... die?

As an adoptee, I don't know how to answer that. How do you answer something like that? But I can say that it's these questions that, I feel, cause many adoptee's voices and feelings to go unheard - we feel like we should be grateful for the fact that we have been "saved" from a life much worse, so we should simply shut up and get on with things.

However, I have learnt through the past couple of years and other life ordeals, that things aren't always so black and white. Yes, we adoptees may have been given a chance at a "better" life to the one we may have had in our birth cultures. We may have been given lives that would seem "privileged" to many. But our feelings, emotions and thoughts go unheard because it's all internal - they're the things people don't want to see and don't want to accept. People seem perfectly content to go through life in ignorance of what and how adoptees feel about their circumstances. But being a "healthy" person isn't all about the physical.

The other week, I tried to explain to my husband that being adopted often feels like I have a festering wound. A wound that has been simply covered up by bandage after bandage throughout my 25 years. However simply covering a wound up with mediocre bandages and bandaids, ultimately doesn't fix or change anything. It simply covers it up, so one can continue on, pretending like it's not really there. But given time, the pain begins to worsen. And the wound's presence can't be ignored. The skin begins to tear little by little, and blood and other bodily fluids begin to seep through the bandages. And you have two options: 1) To pile on another bandage - to add to the pile and cover up what's really underneath, or 2) You can do the opposite - begin to uncover the wound in order to get to the crux of it and actually mend it for good, despite how ugly and painful it's become.

I feel like everyone around me (including myself) has taken the bandage option. And I think that's what a lot of adoptive families do. But I'm beginning to see and feel that that's the wrong way of doing things. In the end, nothing gets fixed. Things just get worse, and it gets to a point where you can't hide that wound forever - eventually it's going to take over your whole self. You don't want to have to chop a limb off for it, so the only thing that can be done is to face up to it and fix it for good.

I feel that everytime I see some stupid Hollywood celebrity doing their "good deed", they're ultimately piling on the bandages. And encouraging the rest of the world to follow their lead. But as public figures, they need further knowledge about what exactly they're getting themselves into. People, like it or not, look up to people like them. And it frustrates me that people support them in what they do, refusing to see the wound for what it really is...

Recount in Korean

2009-03-30T01:02:00.000-07:00

So as a teacher of little kids, I have already had my share of getting the younger kids to write recounts about their weekends and such. It's good writing practice for them, so I thought... I might do the same! But in Korean. XD Suddenly I know how 6 year old students feel. XD

안녕하세요! 이것는 윤선이에요. 잘 있어요? 오랜만이에요! 저는 한국어를 공부하지 않았어요 때문에 아팠어요 그리고 힘들었어요. 하지만 지금 저는 괜찮아요. 오늘은 월요일이에요 그리고 저는 일하지않아요. 주말 로버트하고 저는 요리했어요. 라자냐하고 홋 크로스 번스를 만들었어요. 로버트하고 저는 같이 요리하는 것을 좋아해요 그리고 잘 할 수 있어요.^^ 토요일은 로버트하고 저는 크로리아 진스에 갔어요. 저는 커피를 마싰어요 그리고 로버트는 아이스 초코레트를 마싰어요.

음... 저는 게으른 주말이 있었어요... 로버트는 콤퓨터를 놀었어요 그리고 저는 독섰어요. 저는 독서기를 진짜 좋아해요. 로버트의 콤퓨터 게이므할 수 없어요! 저는 한국어를 공부해 필요해! 비디오할래. 그럼... 안녕히 계세요!
Hello! This is Alexis. How are you? Long time, no see! I haven't studied Korean for a while because I've been sick and tired. But I'm OK now. Today is Monday and I'm not working. On the weekend Robert and I did some cooking. We made lasagne and hot cross buns. Robert and I like cooking together and I think we're pretty good at it.^^ on Saturday Robert and I went to Gloria Jeans'. I got coffee and Robert got an iced chocolate.

Umm... I had a lazy weekend... Robert played some computer games and I read a book. I really like reading. I'm not good at Robert's computer games! I need to study Korean! I want to make another video. Well... Bye!

^_^

Korean FAIL.

2009-03-29T06:07:00.000-07:00

Robert's "Korean" quote for the week: "보고 습니다 싶다 이에요". (Bogo seumnida sipda ieyo.) XD

(Note for people who know no Korean: this is absolute convoluded nonsense and makes no sense whatsoever. I'm not even going to try to begin translating that... XP)

Language's effect/s on identity... (for me personally)

2009-03-26T21:53:00.000-07:00

In all honesty, when I started learning Korean seriously earlier this year, I didn't really think it would have that great an impact on me as a person. I thought it would add something to my life, and to myself, but not greatly. I kinda figured 'oh yeah, it'll be good to be able to say more than simply 안녕하세요 and 감사합니다'. But I never realised (til recently) how great an impact it's actually having on me as a person, and me continuing to develop a true identity for myself...

But maybe I should give a bit of backstory...

I hated school as a child. From my first days in pre-school all the way through to my last day of high school, I hated it. Yes, I was always very shy, afraid and anxious, and I found it hard to get on with people. I hated always having to be around so many other people, and I didn't enjoy a lot of the work. But ultimately, that wasn't the main reason as to why I hated it so much.

Sure, I got all the typical Asian questions, but it was in year three when I moved to a new school that the fact that I was different really began to make an impact on me. And it was at school that the lesson "you're different from everyone and your own family" got drilled into me more than any 1+1 lessons did. More than any of the typical school yard questions I got asked, the question "do you speak Korean?" still lingers in my mind heavily. I remember simply not really knowing what to say. In my mind, I continually asked "why would I speak Korean? I'm Australian. That's what my parents have always told me. So why would I speak Korean?". Pretty soon after, I learnt it was "oh... because I don't look Australian... that's why...". This posed a great problem for me. And no matter how much I tried, I couldn't really give myself any answers, let alone give my classmates legitimate reasons as to why I didn't know anything about my outside appearances. I used to go home every night, stare at myself in the mirror and try to figure out ways I could change my outside appearance, because that seemed to be what was causing the most problems. If only my skin was lighter... if only my eyes were bigger... why didn't I have a double eyelid? If only I was taller... fairer... more... normal. Like everyone around me. Like everyone I saw on TV, in magazines, in stories. I soon began to feel that my Asian-ness was a curse... a plague... it made me different from everyone and everything I knew.

My Mum says that I could have gone to Korean classes and such when I was younger. But like I said here, why would I have wanted to have done that - spent all this time with the thing I was most ashamed of? Someone with aids isn't exactly going to go give blood.

So I never learnt any Korean as a child. Or a teenager. I spent the first... 18 years of my life in complete denial.

Fast forward to now. Ironically, I teach. Just casually at the moment, because, even more ironically, my career has taken a backseat to Korean stuff and figuring out what I should have years ago, instead of telling myself I was something I wasn't.

Thanks to modern podcast technology, my beloved iPhone and of course, the interactivity of the internet, I currently know more Korean than I ever have before. And I'm loving it. It feels like I'm slowly but surely filling in the missing puzzle pieces of my life.

A few weeks ago, I was filling in for a school's usual Italian teacher. Now, I don't know any Italian. So I'd just prepared some random literacy lessons to give the kids. Anyway, at recess (while I was on playground duty), a kid came running up to me. He was Asian and I could tell he was at least partly Korean, and I knew he could tell the same for me. His first questions were "do you know any other languages other than Italian?". I told him I knew no Italian, but I knew a bit of Korean. Well... his face just lit up like a light had gone on inside his head or something. Immediately, he was like "me too! Me too! My Mum's Korean!!". Suddenly, we had this little bond... everytime I see him now, he says hello to me in Korean, or if I have his class, he says thankyou to me in Korean when I give out worksheets or something.

This small interaction with a child the exact same age as I was when I began feeling awful about myself, has made me feel something I never really have before. For once, something inside me matches what's on the outside! Without knowledge of Korean, I usually cringe when people ask me if I'm Korean, because I'm so afraid they're going to say something to me and I won't understand, or they'll ask me to say something and I'll have to tell them I don't know anything. And that's when the influx of old shame and embarrassment comes back to haunt me.

This particular school is quite a small school. And word travels fast. A couple of days later, I had a couple of girls come up to me in the playground, asking if I could teach them something in Korean - they'd found out I was Korean, and they wanted to know how to say something. So I quickly told them how to say "hello", and they ran off so happily, saying "an-yong!" to all their friends.

I know it might seem small, but knowing some Korean has made a huge difference on my life already. I actually like the feeling that part of what's now inside me matches the outside of me. That I can say to people that I have knowledge of what they can only see of me, instead of wondering, then going home and wishing I was something else entirely. I suppose it's just a bit sad that it's come so late in life and I've taken this long to stop pretending...

Handwriting

2009-03-24T18:31:00.000-07:00

From Korean

(Today I am going to talk about handwriting.)

A couple of weeks ago, I watched a video that 현우 (HyunWoo) made on Korean writing:

And since watching that, I've been trying to make my own writing look a bit more... pretty and not so blocky. LOL. I should probably mention that I've always been a bit of a neat freak when it comes to handwriting and bookwork. LOL. Throughout primary school, I was the kid who HAD to have neat writing and books. If I thought a page didn't look neat, I'd rip it out and start again. XP And... the same thing seems to apply for my Korean writing. I don't think I'm there yet, but I can try... LOL.

So anywho, I thought I'd make my own very quick video (it's kinda blurry... my camera doesn't seem to like taking videos of things up close!):

All I wrote was: "Hello everyone! This is Alexis. How are you?"
It's kinda funny watching yourself write. XP
I think it's fun writing in Korean. I think it would be interesting if it was still written vertically.

The Korean Wave and its impact on me...

2009-03-22T05:27:00.000-07:00

I was going to make and post another Korean practice video, but I've been sick and feverish and delirious, so I haven't even listened to a single podcast recently, let alone make a video of myself... :-(

Right now I'm watching 겨울 연가 (Winter Sonata).^^ It's so much better than movies like Watchmen. LOL. My husband somehow managed to drag me along to see Watchmen with him on the weekend, and it scared the bajeezus out of me!!! But anywho... I watched Winter Sonata some years ago, but I'm watching it again, just because...

I won't lie. Like many people, The Korean Wave has had a great impact on me. Many people seem to begin learning Korean because of their interest in Korean pop culture. The difference, however, between myself and other people, is that I can look at it and... relate to it. In a way I've never experienced - in a way that feels... homely almost. The first time I watched a Korean drama and listened to Kpop had a profound effect on me. As a child, I looked at fairytales and Disney movies, unable to relate to them, but wishing I did. But watching Korean dramas and listening to Kpop for the first few times made me really stop and think 'OMG... I can relate to this... to these people... to this language...'

Also, seeing how big the Korean wave had actually become turned Korea into a reality for me. I'd tried so hard to ignore it, pretend it didn't exist for so long. But discovering it was like turning on a really bright light right in my face, and Korea became a very big reality and something I couldn't really ignore anymore.

I remember the first Kpop song I ever heard was Hero by 신화 (Shinhwa):

Followed pretty closely by 자존심 (Pride) by FinKL:

(WOW! Talk about old school Kpop and 효리!!!)

As cliched as it sounds, my life really did change when I watched those for the first time... I wonder how I'd be now if the Korean Wave hadn't become as big as it has... And thank God for the internet... that's really changed things, too.

Before I go, though, I still remain very loyal to 천국의 계단 (Stairway to Heaven)... best Kdrama ever!

Shame...

2009-03-20T03:52:00.000-07:00

Currently, I'm loving learning Korean. It's one of the few things I'm really enjoying these days. It gives me fuzzy feelings and makes me feel... closer to myself. (One reason why I love modern podcast technology!) It's funny to learn more and to think that once I felt shame for Korea and everything about it... I also find it fascinating to see the many different people who want to learn Korean and their reasons for doing so.

But why the shame? Sure, if you learn stuff about Korea, it has many good things about it. Its culture is really quite beautiful, ancient and fascinating. And the language is fun. But I didn't know this when I was... four. When you're four years old, you only know what you can see. And as an adoptee, we see things and people that don't match our outside appearances. When we're only a young child, we want to live up to what we see - our parents, other family members, the culture around us and the stories we get told as children - with princesses with long, blonde hair and very European looking castles. At that age, you begin to believe you match the things/people around you.

...so imagine the shock that we adoptees get when we show up on our first day of preschool and have kids ask us why we look different to our families. Do we speak another language? Do we eat fried rice at home? Why are my eyes so small? Why is my skin darker? I remember being asked these things many many times as quite a young child. I remember feeling so taken aback and looking at my peer with a "what-the-hell-are-you-talking-about?" look, followed with a "*scoff* no. Why would I?". I'd be all the more confused when they'd walk away looking just as confused, whispering amongst themselves...

People have said that I shouldn't have felt ashamed of myself as a child. They've said it's stupid. Pointless. But when you're being brought up a certain way, in a certain world - where you don't know anything else, why would you want to know anything about the one thing that makes people ask you questions, highlighting the fact that you're different to them and your own "family"? I spent a lot of time trying to pretend like I was caucasian. People shot down my very vivid imaginings that I was something I wasn't... they shattered my unrealistic ideals and dreams with "why are you Asian?"... why the hell would I want to know anything about Korea when it just seemed like a curse??

Of course, as an adult, maybe I know better now. Maybe. But I've realised that racial background and culture mean a lot to developing one's identity and sense of self. It's not something you can simply ignore. I mean, sure, I think it's good in this day and age to bring children up around other children of other backgrounds (I think it's a good thing, since there are other countries in the world), but one's own background is so important to understanding oneself... more than people care to think.

I don't know... maybe being adopted has given me more of an insight into identity than what others have. But at the same time, it's meant that I'm so confused about myself. I see people my age now (my husband is the perfect example - he's so... "normal" and so... secure!) - they're happy with themselves, they know themselves... they can get on with life like "normal". But I feel like I'm forever stuck in a hole, unable to get out, because I don't even know myself. I'm often expected to be happy for all these other people, yet... I'm not even happy within myself - I don't even know myself... no wonder it's so hard to be happy for others...!

Anywho, I'm LOOOOOONG overdue for Korean practice. I might make another speaking video... sometime next week.

Some thoughts about growing up adopted

2009-03-18T22:12:00.000-07:00

I'm not too sure where to start writing about this topic, as it's such a huge topic for me... so I'm going to copy what Paula did over at her blog and write some facts about me and adoption.

~Being an adopted person seems to automatically deem you misunderstood. I'm only now just coming to realise that being misunderstood is hurtful and hard to deal with, especially when people simply don't want to hear your side of things.
~All the love in the world can't compensate for what adoptees lose.
~I often feel as though I cannot relate to anything about Australia and its culture.
~Learning Korean seems natural to me.
~Race, racial background and culture are a huge part of one's identity. So many people like to say it isn't, but it is. I often think caucasian people don't realise this.
~Because I'm adopted, I'm sick of feeling as though I should just be happy and just get on with life. You try forming an identity at a young age, when all you feel is shame, betrayal and loss. Not to mention the gazillions of questions a 5 year old should simply not be asking of themselves.
~I'm sick of pretending I'm something I'm not - that my ancestry is Scottish/Irish/European, when it's not. I wish others would just face up to that, too. I'm simply sick of pretending.
~I'm sick of wondering. The constant wondering is driving me insane.
~I hate that people act as if my learning Korean is simply out of interest. As if it's the same as being interested in some other random country. It's not.
~I feel as though a lot of adoptees go through similar things/experiences/feelings, yet they're things that most people fail to see or attempt to understand.
~No matter how much you pretend, we were adopted because we were abandoned first. Saying "your birth mother gave you up because she wanted a better life for you" is stupid.
~In attempting to explain things to my husband, I used the analogy of feeling like the One Ring in Lord of the Rings - constantly trying to get home but continuously gets picked up and dragged along by random people without any sort of a say.
~I am yet to come to terms with my adoption, my identity and my life. I'm not there yet... not even close, and I'm becoming more and more tired of feeling alone in that, when everyone around me seems to be completely, 100% happy with themselves. I feel like my identity is still in infancy, almost.

Changes to my blog

2009-03-18T04:44:00.001-07:00

This blog is going to be changing a bit. Although I still want it to be a record of my learning Korean, as I get older, I'm starting to form certain opinions on what it is to be a Korean adoptee, and my identity. I find it really therapeutic to write, and I often feel a bit more clear headed once I've done so. So this blog is going to include some pieces of writing on the topic of adoption, my adoption and my identity...

감사합나다.^^

2009-03-15T03:06:00.000-07:00

Today I went with Robert and my sister, Erika to The Art Gallery of NSW. (오늘 로버트랑 제 여동생 에리커랑 저는 Art Gallery of NSW에 갔어요.^^) It was primarily to see the Archibald prize, since I miss it every year. But my other reason for going was for this Korean art exhibit. I'd never really seen much Korean art before, but I really liked it. Especially the landscapes and flower paintings. They were genuine paintings from the... 1600's-1800's (I think). I'd love to have something like that hanging in my house. ^_^

I also entered a competition to win a trip to Korea. Since I have no money to go right now. T_T 저는 지금 돈이 없어요 하지만 저는 진짜 한국에 가고 싶어요...

어제...

2009-03-13T01:05:00.001-07:00

어제... 저는 현우 씨랑 저음 얘기했어요!
Yesterday I had a first conversation with HyunWoo. (That sentence above is totally wrong. LOL.)
저는 스카이프가 있었어요! 지금 저는 사람이랑 얘기 할 수있어요. (<-- WRONG! XP)
Should say: I got Skype! Now I can talk with people!

It was great having a real conversation with someone in... as much Korean as I could think of! LOL. I feel like I learnt a lot just from a small conversation! Since I just finished the first Beginner series of Korean Class 101, I was amazed to see how much I've learnt from just the first series! Yay! 아싸!!! 하하.

I'm going to go now, because my internet is going really slow. T_T

현우 씨를 도와주었어요! 감사합나다!!^^

2009-03-10T21:06:00.000-07:00

안녕하세요! 지금 저는 Korean Class 101 Beginner Series I을 마졌어요 그래서 행복해요!!! 여기는 뭐를 공부했어요...:
(Hi! I just finished the first Beginner Series on Korean Class 101 so I'm happy! Here is what I have learnt/studied:)

안녕하세요! 저는 이윤선이에요. 처음 뵙겠습니다. 잘 있었어요? 저는 호주 사람이고 한국 사람이에요. 저는 25살 이에요. 선생님이에요... 좋아요 근데... 피곤한이에요! 저는 결혼이에요. 제 남편의 이름이 로버트예요. 로버트은 호주 사람이에요 그리고 28살이에요. 로버트은 PhD가 있어요 그리고 회사원이에요. 저는 로버트을 진짜 사랑해요.^^

제 가족이 4 사람있어요 - 제 어머니하고 아버지하고 여동생이 있어요. 제 어머니이고 아버지도 선생님이에요. 제 여동생의 이름이 에리커예요. 에리커는 23살 이에요 그리고 학생이에요. 심리학을 공부해요 그리고 시드니 대학교에 가요. 저는 남동생이 없어요. 제 가족이 개가 있어요. 개의 이름이 토미예요. 토미는 토이 푸들이에요. 제 가족을 사랑해요.

로버트는 누나하고 어머니이고 아보지가 있어요. 누나의 이름이 니콜이에요. 니콜은 남편이 있어요. 마튜이에요. 니콜도 아들이 있어요. 로버트의 어머니의 이름이 잔이에요 그리고 아버지의 크레이엄이에요.

음... 저는 한국어 공부이고 한국 드라마 봐요이고 (천국의 계단을 진짜 좋아해요!!! 권상우는 진짜 멋있어요!!! 하하!) 책을 읽어요이고 (저는 도서관이고 책방을 좋아해요!) 쿠킹하고 베이킹이고 (케이크를 굽고를 좋아해요!) 그림 그리기를 진짜 좋아해요! 그리고 로버트랑 케이므를 놀어요. 저는 한국 음식을 진짜 좋아해요! 김치랑 김밥이랑 잡재랑 불고기랑 짜장면을 좋아해요!!! 저는 거미이고 곤충이고 당근이고 굴이고 미식 축구를 싫어애요. 그리고 수학 못 해요. 수학을 안 하고 싶어요!

저는 한국에 진짜 가고 싶어요. 저를 어디에 태어났어는 보고 싶어요... 로버트는 일본에 가고 싶어요... 기술을 좋아해요! 저는 집을 사고 싶어요. 그리고 무엇보다도 저는 훨씬 한국어 아라고 싶어요.

저는 다를 나라도 가고싶어요. 충국이고 프랑스이고 이탈리아이고 아이스랜드에 가고 싶어요. 근데... 인도이고 미국에 안 가고싶어요.

그럼... 안녕히 계세요!!!
윤선^^

I think there are lots of mistakes in there... but it should say something along the lines of:

Hello! This is Alexis. Nice to meet you. How have you been? I am Australian and Korean. I was born in Korea. I am 25 years old. I am a teacher... it's good, but it can be tiring. I am married. My husband's name is Robert. Robert is Australian. He is 28 years old. Robert has a PhD and is a software engineer. I really love Robert.

My family has 4 people in it - my Mum, Dad and younger sister. My Mum and Dad are also teachers. My sister's name is Erika. Erika is 23 and is a student. She is studying psychology and goes to Sydney University. I don't have a brother. My family has a dog. His name is Tommy. Tommy is a toy poodle. I love my family.^^

Robert has an older sister, Mum and Dad. His sister's name is Nicole. Nicole has a husband called Matthew. She also has a son. Robert's Mum's name is Jan and his Dad's name is Graham.

Umm... I like learning Korean, watching Korean dramas (Stairway to Heaven is really good! Kwon Sang Woo rocks!!! HAHA), I like reading books (I love libraries and bookshops), cooking and baking (I like to bake cakes!) and drawing pictures! I also play games with Robert. I like Korean food, especially kimchi, kimbap, japchae, bulgogi and jjajang myun. I don't like spiders and bugs, carrots, oysters and football. I also can't do mathematics. I don't want to do mathematics!!

I really want to go to Korea. I want to see where I was born... Robert wants to go to Japan. He likes technology. I want to buy a house. And above everything I want to know Korean. I also want to go to other countries. I want to go to China, France, Italy and Iceland. I don't really want to go to India or America.

Well... bye! Thankyou! Alexis

I really really need those stickers that you stick on your keyboard to make it easier to type in other languages. It took me forever to type all that out! LOL. Anywho, I might make a video of thtis... sometime! I need the speaking practice more than anything. =D

Some random things about me.

2009-03-04T16:15:00.000-08:00

~저는 한국 사람하고 호주사람이에요.
~저는 은식을 진짜 좋아해요!!!
~한국 드라마를 좋아해요! 천국의 계단이 진짜 좋아요!!!!!! 권상우는 멋있어요!!!!!!!!!!! 히히... 지금 꽃보다 남자를 좋아해요!^^ 이민호도 멋있어... 하하...
~책을 읽어를 좋아해요.
~베고바요... 먹고 싶어요!
~한국어를 사랑해요.^^
~한국에 가고 싶어요.

^_^

Poor unloved blog...

2009-03-03T06:08:00.000-08:00

This blog hasn't had a lot of love from me lately. I've been a bit busy with other things... 저는 바빠요... :-( But hopefully it'll get a bit more from me soon...!

Anyway, as most people would know (especially after having watched my incredibly repetitive videos of myself!), I am a teacher. Currently, I'm just teaching casually, which means I teach on random days in random schools just... whenever I'm needed. Originally, I thought I'd really hate it, but I'm not minding casual teaching - it offers a lot of flexibility in my life, and also gives me the time to do other things that are important to me right now. Such as learning Korean.

Anywho, last week (and this week, actually), I was replacing the school's usual Italian teacher (I should say that I teach primary kids. So any kids between the ages of... 4 and 12). At recess, I was on duty, and an Asian kid came up to me with the usual, expectant expression of 'I know you're Korean...! You cannot hide it!', asking me whether I knew any other languages, since I obviously wasn't going to be giving Italian lessons! XD I off handedly told him that I know some Korean... well, this was great for him! His face lit up and he was all like "me too, me too!! Well... I don't know a lot, but my family does!!!". A little later on, I had his class, and he talked to me a bit in Korean. Just simple things like "감사합니다" when I handed out a worksheet or something.

Furthermore, word around the school (which is quite small) spread, and at lunch, I had girls coming up to me, asking if I could teach them some words in Korean as "it sounds so cool". XD So I told them to say "안녕" if they want to say hello to their friends. They were happy after that, and went around saying "안녕! 안녕" to everyone they passed! XD It was quite amusing... LOL.

Since I've been working quite a bit lately, I'm considering buying Adopted the Movie. Parts of this documentary can be seen here on the YouTube page... I think I've basically watched all of the excerpts they've put on YouTube, and they really struck a chord with me... I feel like adoptees go through a lot of things that go unnoticed by others... and these things/experiences/feelings are really starting to affect me and my life... I think that DVD would be very confronting, but at the same time, sort of comforting to know that I'm not insane, nor am I the only person to experience some things that simply seem to go unnoticed by others...

Well, I should go sleep. This has been one big, long text post! XD

2009-03-02T21:32:00.000-08:00

This blog hasn't been updated for a while. T_T I've been busy with work... which I guess is a good thing... still it's meant that I haven't had a lot of time for Korean, which sucks, 'cause I want to know more!

Anywho, I made another video. It was meant to contain much more content that I'd only just recently learnt, but for some reason, it didn't turn out that way... T_T Still, it was fun to make!^^

2009-02-28T07:01:00.000-08:00

Isn't this funny? "Ne" is "yes" in both Korean and Greek! XD

Isn't that random?! XD

2009-02-15T23:02:00.000-08:00

Last night, my husband and I went out for Korean BBQ with our friend, Angelos, who's about to move to Switzerland for a couple of years for work. Anywho, he'd never had any Korean food before, so it was a first for him! LOL. So I took a few videos, and... I didn't have a very good day today, so I spent it making this movie in iMovie:

This was my first time using iMovie, so it's not very good, but I find it kinda amusing!!! =P

Also: I walked out feeling sort of proud of myself! XP Both Robert and I walked out saying 감사합니다 (thankyou) after we'd paid and were leaving! Last week, after buying food in a Korean supermarket, I wanted to walk out having said stuff in Korean, but I chickened out and regretted it. But I said 감사합니다 and then 안녕히 계세요 when we left! XD I know it seems like a small thing, but hey... I still felt good about it.^^

이거 뭐 있어요?

2009-02-12T19:43:00.000-08:00

Today I'm going to show you a bit of my house. (I don't know how to say that in Korean... I'd only know maybe... 오늘 우리 집을... I don't know the verb "to show"... LOL.)

From Korean

1. 저물건이 텔레비전 이에요.
2. 저물건이 수조이에요. 우리 수저는 많이 열대어가 있어요. 수저는 많이프레코하고 테트라하고 미꾸라지가 있어요!
3. 저물건이 창 그리고 문 이에요.
4. 저물건이 공장 이에요.
5. 저물건이 DVD 이에요. 반지의 제왕 이에요. 로버트하고 저를 진짜 좋아해요!!! 히히...
6. 저물건이 스피커 이에요.
7. 그리고 저물건이 시계이에요.
1. That thing is the TV.
2. That thing over there is the fish tank. Our fish tank has lots of tropical fish. It has lots of plecos, tetra and loaches.
3. That thing there is the window and door.
4. That thing there is a plant.
5. That thing there is a DVD. It is Lord of the Rings. Robert and I really like it! LOL.
6. That thing there is a speaker.
7. And that thing there is a clock.

From Korean

1. 저물건이 낯짝이에요. 저는 커피를 좋아해요! 로버트은 핫 초콜릿을 좋아해요 그런대 커피를 싫어해요. :-(
2. 이물건이 테디 베어이에요. 이름이 쿠버예요. 저는 테디 베어를 좋아해요!!! 많이 테디 베어가 있어요!!!
3. 저물건이 의자이에요.
4. 이물건이 원격 제어이에요.
5. 저물건이 경대예요.
6. 저물건이 다리미판이에요.
1. That thing there is a mug. I like coffee. Robert likes hot chocolate, but doesn't like coffee.
2. This thing is a teddy bear. His name is Goober. I really like teddy bears and I have a lot of them!
3. That thing there is a chair.
4. This thing is a remote control.
5. That thing is a dresser.
6. That thing is an ironing board.

I think there are lots of mistakes. I'm not sure whether I used 이/저 correctly, but that's what I need the practice in...^^

Video time! XD

2009-02-08T17:55:00.000-08:00

I made another video!! XD

It's a sort of self introduction. I know there are lots of mistakes, but after quite a few takes, I couldn't be bothered starting all over again! XP It's meant to say something along the lines of: Hello everyone! Have you been well? Today I don't have many plans, so I'm introducing myself. My name is Alexis/YoonSeon. I am Australian and Korean. I am a teacher. I have a husband. His name is Robert. Robert has a PhD and works as a software engineer. I really like drawing pictures, cooking, learning Korean and Korean dramas. I really don't like spiders and carrots. Well, I'm hungry, so bye!

HOORAY!!!

2009-02-04T18:54:00.000-08:00

Well, as I've said on here before, I'm currently learning Korean through Korean Class 101. Anywho, a while ago, I entered a competition, where you just had to send an e-mail saying why you're learning Korean and how KC101 has helped you learn. The prize was a whole year premium subscription! So I entered and I didn't win. I was kinda disappointed, 'cause I did want to win. But then they ran it again, so I entered thinking 'what the hey... what have I got to lose?' ... AND I WON! LOL. So now I really have no excuse for not knowing quite a lot of Korean by the end of this year. I now have access to all these cool features! XD

Anywho, I thought I'd share this:

From Korean

It's one of my first Korean writing practices since I started learning not too long ago. And I'm really surprised, because even it's looking kinda primitive now. I think now (even though it's messy) my writing looks a bit more natural, and I'm really surprised as to just how much it's sort of... developed simply over a few weeks.

I was going to write all my Korean practice in here and make another video, but I'm too lazy right now, and I kinda wanna go check out all these premium things that I have access to now!

Cultural differences...

2009-01-31T04:25:00.000-08:00

Thanks to my husband, the e-mail subscription thingy now works on this blog! XD It wasn't working before, and I had no idea why, but he fixed it for me. ^_^ So feel free to subscribe by e-mail!! =D

Anywho, I recently signed up to a site called lang-8 where people who speak the language you're learning (as native speakers) and help you out with it. So far, it's been sort of useful. Sadly, people keep talking to me in Korean, and I don't understand what they're saying! LOL. I need to find out how to say "I don't understand"! XP

So far, the podcasts I've been listening to recently have been about age difference in Korea, and the different types of politeness levels there are in Korea and how you treat people based on age etc... A couple of years ago, my husband and I lived in a suburb here in Sydney, where the majority of inhabitants are Korean. There are lots of Korean shops and stuff. Originally, I thought this would be great, but it sucked... for lots of reasons. Anyway, one day, I went out to sort of... confront this dude, as I thought he was being pretty rude and I felt as though we had no privacy in our apartment block because of him...

Anyway, he ended up demanding to know how old I was (since I SHOULD have been showing him much more respect according to Korean society!). And I thought this was so rude, since asking one's age in western society is sort of... not something you do. So I got irate and told him it was none of his business (he was in about his 40's!)! I walked away feeling offended and more pissed off than when I'd originally gone up to him. But thinking back to it now, it sort of makes me laugh in a way, and I kinda think it was a good example of cultural differences and how easily it is to offend someone, depending on what culture you come from. (I'm sorry, but a set of genes doesn't automatically give you default culture/language understandings!) I'm sure we both walked away feeling incredibly offended, partially due to the differences in culture! XP

Anywho, we've been watching 꽃보다 남자 (Boys Before Flowers) lately, and I love it!!!:

Korean dramas are so addictive! XD

Meanwhile, I'm totally stuck on 이것/그것/저것 (this/that/that over there) and 여기/거기/저기 (here/there/over there)... they sound so similar, and I can't make it past them, because I just get so confused! Ugh... maybe I should give up for now and move onto something else for a while... XP

Do I have enough memory?!!!

2009-01-27T06:16:00.000-08:00

It's currently 1:15am. I should go to bed, but for some reason, I find it easier to learn things around midnight! 9_9

Anywho, I'm primarily learning Korean through Korean Class 101 which has so far been really good. Their podcasts are fun to listen to, and their site provides lots of other things to learn from. I find the PDF's particularly useful. (Hooray for modern technology!!!) So far, I'm still only up to the beginner lessons, and I'm doing the newbie lessons at the same time. But I sometimes wonder whether or not I have enough memory to remember everything! LOL. I'm surprised at how much I've already learnt, but I think learning a language is definitely something you have to listen to/use regularly, else it's really easy to forget...

(Although, that's not the case sometimes with random phrases. I really like the Japanese phrase: 久しぶりだな (hisashiiburi da na - long time no see). LOL. I don't know Japanese, but my husband and I watch some anime series here and there, and for some reason, I just really like that phrase and the way it sounds when people say it. It's the only phrase I know. LOL. XD)

So, I think so far, the main verbs I know in Korean are: 이다 (to be), 있다 (to exist), 아니다 (to not be), 없다 (to not exist)... 음... 하다 (to do)... and then it just gets really confusing, because you can add whatever nouns and verbs you want (almost) to those verbs to make it another verb. EG: you can add 맛 (delicious) to 있다 to make 맛있어요 (it's delicious). So really, I'm sure I know more verbs than the first four I mentioned, I just... can't think of them off the top of my head, because... I might be forgetting them and there are just so many to remember! T_T

However, I will say that in learning Korean, it's really giving me a deeper understanding of English. LOL. It's funny, the things we take for granted... English really must be a hard language to learn as a second language, I think...

Some reasons for this blog and some food. ^_^

2009-01-26T16:58:00.000-08:00

So, really, I started learning Korean some years ago. I taught myself the alphabet in a night or two, and things went from there. However, I am very good at giving up on things, and learning Korean has certainly been no exception! THIS TIME, though, will hopefully be different! It's my 2009 new year's resolution to be able to watch an hour episode of a Korean drama in December (preferably my all time favourite, and THE best (in my biased opinion!) K-drama to grace the earth, 천국의 계단) without subtitles, and understand the whole thing. In all honesty, I don't know how realistic that is, but hey... I can hope! XD In keeping this blog, I also hope to continue, even when it seems really difficult and hopeless, to look back on it and think 'wow, I really have come a long way!'.

I also hope to watch this at the end of the year:

And also think to myself, 'wow, I really have come a long way!'. XD (That's my first speaking practice. HAHAHAHA.)

I am hoping that in the next couple of years, I'll be able to go see where I was born, because honestly... I can't remember a thing about it. HAHA. (I'd be amazed if I did!)

Meanwhile, my husband, Robert, and I made 잡재 the other night! The recipe came from the official Korean tourism site and I was quite pleased! I love Korean food. It can be so weird, but generally, it's good stuff.

Anywho, I leave you with a cute Korean song by 소녀시대. XD

안녕!!!

안녕하세요!

2009-01-26T08:24:00.000-08:00

First post! I guess I should say something about myself...!

안녕하세요 여러분! 이윤선입니다. 저음 뵙겠습니다. 호주사람입니다. 저는 선생님입니다. 저는 남편하고 아버지하고 어머니하고 여동생이 있습니다. 남동생이 없습니다. 남편이 로버트입니다 그리고 회사원입니다. 아버지하고 어머니도 산생님입니다. 제 여동생이 학생입니다 그리고 시드니 대하교에 갑니다. 제 가족을 사랑해요!^^

음... 저는... 그림 그리기하고 쿠킹하고 한국어 공부를 진짜 좋아해요!!
하지만... 당근하고 수학을 싫어해요...! ㅠㅠㅠ

음... 셋시입니다... 그럼... 안녕이계습니다!!!

Hi everyone! My name is Alexis. Nice to meet you. I'm Australian and I'm a teacher. I have a husband, a father, mother and younger sister. I don't have a brother. My husband's name is Robert and he is a software engineer. My Dad and Mum are teachers, also. My sister is a student and goes to Sydney University. I love my family very much!

Umm... I like drawing, cooking and learning Korean!
I really don't like carrots and mathematics. LOL.

It's now 3am... so... bye!

More about this blog...

2008-03-30T21:56:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my blog! If you're new here, I made a post right here about why I do this.^^ I would appreciate it if you read it!

안녕습니다 (Annyong Seumnida) started out as simply being a documentation of my learning Korean and learning about the country and culture I originally come from. However over the past few months, it has become the place where I write about my experiences as a Korean adoptee living in Sydney, Australia. This is a very personal topic for me, and one in which I am constantly trying to sort out and come to terms with.

Like I have written in the sidebar of this blog, I am aware that the phrase "안녕습니다" makes absolutely no sense. Since I started learning Korean much more seriously at the beginning of this year, my husband has heard some words here and there, and he has pieced them together in strange ways that make no sense at all! Robert is very intelligent, however, when it comes to learning foreign languages, his ability and memory is somewhat lacking, and he instead enjoys making up his own words. I thought this small quote of his was a suitable title for this blog, as my existence as a Korean adoptee and learning Korean are very confusing things for me. I suppose you could say they give me many "안녕습니다 moments".^^

This blog is here purely for my own reasons. However, in keeping this blog, I also hope to network with other adoptees and people who have some other connection to adoption, or simply others who have taken an interest in the transracial adoption "experience".

In regards to commenting: Anonymous commenting has been disabled as of April 2009. I gave it a chance for a while, but I simply found it too weird - receiving advice about my life from randoms who wouldn't even tell me a single thing about who they were! Perhaps keeping a public blog invites that, but I don't really like it, so it's now unavailable.

However, if you would like to contact me and you haven't got any sort of OpenID, you can contact me via e-mail, Skype or Twitter - details in the "Contact Me" section of this blog.

Other than that, please enjoy your time here. I really do like getting comments and hearing from my readers. I appreciate their thoughts and opinions. ^_^

이윤선

Contact Me!!!

2008-03-24T03:38:00.000-07:00

If you would like to contact me by a means other than this blog, please do so on:

E-mail: lex dot bartlett at gmail dot com
Twitter: yoonseon
Skype: yoon.seon

^_^

About Me

2008-03-24T03:31:00.000-07:00

Here are some random facts about me:

1. I was born in 1983, which makes me 25 and 27 in Korean age.
2. I'm married to someone who is the complete opposite to me. We really do live up to the whole "opposites attract" theory.
3. I recently completed a Masters of Teaching degree, which means I am technically a teacher now. My career is going pretty slowly right now, so I'm not exactly too sure where it's taking me.
4. I love to read. Books are simply something I couldn't live without.
5. I also love to eat. And cook. I really really like food. Especially anything with carbs. Going on the Atkins diet would be a fate worse than death for me.
6. My goal for 2009 is to learn as much Korean as I can. By the end of the year, I hope to be able to watch an episode of my favourite Korean drama and understand it without subtitles. I'm honestly not sure how realistic that goal is, though. LOL.
7. I am a city person. I could never EVER live in the country. Or anything that slightly resembles it. I'd simply go insane.
8. Writing is great therapy for me. I often explain things in written form much better than verbal form.
9. I am terrible at mathematics. I think something went wrong with me when it came to the "Asians are good at maths" stereotype.
10. My husband, however, is extremely good at it and could probably answer any question in the form of numbers. As much as I hate maths, I love this about him. I find intelligence attractive. XD
11. One of my pet peeves is bad spelling. Which is funny, because my Korean spelling is absolutely atrocious and it annoys the hell out of me!
12. If the economy wasn't so bad right now, I'd seriously consider opening a bakery with my sister.
13. Spiders/insects are some of the most disgustingly frightening things on this planet.
14. I hate piercings and tattoos. I think they're pointless and hideous.
15. My dream as a child was to be a ballerina. And I was serious about it for a good long time.
16. I really want to go to Korea. More than anything.
17. Aside from Korea, I'd also really like to go to: China, maybe Japan, France, Italy, Iceland (I have a random fascination with Iceland and its language), Austria and I'd love to go back to New Zealand. I have little interest in the US, India and the rest of the middle east.
18. My husband and I have an ever growing surplus of pleco.
19. We also have an abundant collection of Goober.
20. Deep down, I believe I am a huge nerd. I actually enjoy playing certain computer games with my husband.
21. I'm not a big movie-goer. I simply don't have the attention span. If I slightly dislike a movie, I will walk out during it.
22. I could honestly spend forever sitting in a cafe with a hot drink and a good book.
23. I love Winter. I hate Summer.

...I'll just keep adding to this list as I think of things... XD